Conflict as a Catalystنموونە

I know a couple who took a dance lesson together. The problem is they only took one lesson. They know only one dance. Wherever they go, whatever the music, they do their one dance together. 

For many couples, their marriages look a lot like that. They are stuck in one way of relating to each other. For example, the dominator makes the decisions and the passive partner politely obeys. Of course, they never sit down and decide, “Well, you be the egocentric bossy person and I’ll just be weak.” It just happens. They create ways of interacting that seem to provide safety for both husband and wife. Their dance soon becomes entrenched in all areas of their marriage.

Intimate marriages are different. They have the rare trait of flexibility. Sometimes his needs will be paramount and sometimes hers. They both know how to lead and how to follow. They both know how to meet the needs of others and articulate their own. Their dance is fluid. They are so intimate that they instinctively react to the subtle changes of the music, the rhythm, and their partner. Their flexibility and deep knowledge of each other allows them to dance to any music.

Learning to get unstuck and relate in healthier ways in your marriage requires taking risks and maybe creating conflict. Yes, it’s just easier to do things the way you’ve always done them but loving each other through the many seasons of marriage means you have to grow. 

It may have been a long time since you and your spouse learned a new dance. Maybe it’s time to take a step towards authentic intimacy.  Make learning new ways to grow closer a priority in your marriage.  

CONTEMPLATING CONFLICT: 

What dance are you and your spouse stuck in? Can you identify what role you or your spouse consistently play in your marriage?  Where can you take a risk in your marriage that allows for your roles to look a bit differently? What subtle changes can you make today that could make room for flexibility and growth? 

CONFLICT AS CATALYST: 

Here is a simple action step you can utilize in your marriage: FOLLOW THE LEADER. Elementary, I know. However, it may do us a bit of good to implement such an old school practice. When we continuously let the Lord lead our lives, He proves himself faithful, and we develop trust for him and confidence in him! Similarly, taking turns to allow your spouse to have the reins in areas that are new to the two of you can help you develop new areas of trust and confidence in each other.  Take turns allowing the other to lead the way for the day.  It could be as simple as planning dinner and the evening activities, or something daring like choosing the next house project or creating the action steps for the next renovation.  Whatever it is, you may be surprised to see your intimacy deepen as you both learn something new about yourselves and each other!