The Marriage Courseنموونە

The Power of Forgiveness

Saying sorry and forgiving each other are vital because we will all hurt our partner.

Unresolved hurt will undermine the trust and openness between us and destroy our intimacy.

Reactions to hurt

Anger

Anger is not bad in itself -- it has a God-given purpose and is part of our internal mechanism to signal something is wrong and needs to be sorted out.

What happens if hurt and anger are buried?

Behavioural symptoms

• inability to relax
• low sexual desire
• quick temper / intolerance
• escape through drugs, alcohol, pornography, etc
• escape into work / children / religious activities, etc

Physical symptoms

• disturbed sleep
• appetite affected
• medical conditions eg: ulcers, high blood pressure, pain

Emotional symptoms

• loss of positive emotions such as romance, love, joy
• low self-esteem / depression
• shut down
• fear of confrontation

Process for healing hurt

1. Talk about the hurt

Whether you have hurt your partner or have been hurt by them, take the initiative to bring it out into the open so things can be healed. An accumulation of small hurts, if left unaddressed, can lead to a loss of intimacy, just as small stones can eventually block a drain.

2. Say sorry

Take responsibility -- resist the urge to make excuses or to blame your partner.

Making excuses / blaming our partner: ‘I know I criticised you in front of the children yesterday, but I wouldn’t have done so if you hadn’t made us late.’

Proper apology: ‘I hurt you by criticising you in front of the children yesterday; it was unkind of me. I’m sorry.’

Confessing our faults to God and receiving his forgiveness helps us to see how our actions have hurt our partner.

3. Forgive

Forgiveness is essential and one of the greatest forces for healing in a marriage.

Forgiveness is, first and foremost, a choice, not a feeling:

• forgiveness always costs us something
• the question is not, ‘Do we feel like forgiving?’ but, ‘Will we forgive? Will we let go of our self-pity / demand for justice / desire to retaliate?’

Forgiveness IS NOT:

• pretending that the hurt doesn’t matter and trying to forget about it
• denying the hurt (and just hoping it will go away)
• thinking, ‘Our love for each other will somehow magically resolve any ways we hurt each other so it doesn’t matter’

Forgiveness IS:

• facing the wrong done to us
• recognizing the emotions inside
• choosing not to hold it against our partner

Forgiveness is a process -- we often need to keep forgiving for the same hurt, sometimes on a daily basis.