Grief Bites: Finding Treasure In Hardshipsনমুনা

Something that truly breaks my heart is when I talk to grievers who share that they and their loved one had an argument right before their loved one's death. Some never had an opportunity to make things right with their loved one...or say, "I'm sorry...I love you."

I also talk to other grievers who feel guilty for words left unspoken or not getting a second chance to say what was truly on their heart.

I can truly relate to the pain of each of these situations.

A few months before my sister passed away, she and I got into an argument over something incredibly silly. We didn't argue very often so this particular incident was hurtful to the both of us. We both said things we ended up regretting. She was so mad at me that we ended up not talking for over a week. I ended up sending her flowers with a card that told her I was sorry and I missed her...but in my hurt and pride, I did not write the words, "I love you" on the card.

I'm grateful we worked the situation out before she died, but boy did this situation torment me for several years after she had passed away.

The guilt was thick...and my regrets ran deep. I asked myself a thousand times, "Why did you not tell her you loved her on that card when you had the chance?"

I had told my sister I loved her many times before, and probably several times after that incident, but after someone we love dies, we truly can balloon every guilt and regret we have up on a much bigger scale.

It was several years before I had the ability to forgive myself.

I know many people who struggle with deep guilt from similar situations...unspoken words to loved ones who have passed on...arguments and conflicts that never got resolved...deep regrets from not communicating in a better way...holding back affection...etc.

So what do you do with these regrets and guilt that torment you?

A few things that helped me significantly were:
0. Talk to God about your guilt and regrets then ask Him for His forgiveness
1. Ask God to ask your loved one for their forgiveness and ask Him to tell them how much you love them
2. Realize that your loved one totally forgives you...In Heaven, they are not holding anything against you that had been said or done on earth. What once upset them here does not even remotely upset them in heaven. They have forgiven you and want for you to forgive yourself
3. Write your loved one a note then shred it
4. Forgive yourself and realize you are fallible. If you would've known better, you would've done better
5. Make it a point to learn valuable lessons through guilt and regrets
6. Choose not to repeat mistakes from this day forward

I learned through guilt and regrets that powerful lessons can be learned. I learned through that particular situation to use my words much more carefully, to work out problems quickly, and to forgive others and myself...I also learned to say, "I love you," to my loved ones frequently. As a result, I am now very mindful of how I treat my loved ones and consistently treat them as well as I possibly can.

If you are in the valley of guilt and regrets, I encourage you to pour your heart out to God. You have carried the guilt long enough. Carrying guilt and regrets may make you feel as though you are atoning for what happened in the past, but there is a better way...take your broken heart, guilt, and regrets to God, lay them at His altar, and ask Him to take these burdens from you. He has the power and ability to lift them and to truly heal your heart.

You cannot do anything about the past...but you can learn valuable lessons and do better from this day forward and in the future.

I pray that God truly and genuinely heals anybody's heart that is going through guilt and regrets. He wants to take this heavy burden from you...allow Him to.