Day One

I grew up in the church - was there every time the doors were open and accepted Christ as my Savior when I was eight years old. This was automatically expected at that age, and I knew Jesus had died for my sins, was God’s son, and had risen from the dead three days later. But I didn’t develop a personal relationship with Jesus until I was in my forties. Before that, I would say I considered my faith more of a lifestyle than a heartfelt conviction. The day I stopped running from God was the day I started living. That’s when my life went from black and white to brilliant technicolor. I see now that his gaze was always on me – I just needed to have the courage to seek his face.

“May I never avoid eye contact again.”

Missionaries and their families occasionally visited the small Southern Baptist church where I grew up, and I always felt sorry for them. Through my child eyes, they looked tired and weary. They rarely laughed, and without fail, they wore clothes that were out of style by about five years. I always imagined if truly given a choice, they would not go back to the mission field. I planned to avoid eye contact with God so he wouldn’t notice me and send me to Africa, but I was hopeful he would still consider me for a spot in heaven. It was a tricky balance.

Turns out God found me even without eye contact. Yup. I got the thing I tried so hard to avoid, “The dreaded call.”

However, it didn’t land me in Africa. It took me to my backyard – where I have had a front-row seat ever since – at the greatest show on earth. From where I sit, I get to see miracles so up close and personal, I can reach out and touch them. They take my breath away at least a few times a week. But from the same seat, I may also get my heart broken into a million pieces – and both can happen on the same day.

You see, despite the fact I tried to dodge God’s calling and slide under the radar, he still found me and “called me” to open Blue Monarch, a long-term, residential recovery program for women and their children - something I never would have imagined, was not qualified or trained to do, and even tried to resist until I finally surrendered and fell into his arms with a trust fall.

As a result, over the past twenty-one years, we have served nearly 1,000 women and children, and I have witnessed God’s mighty hand in ways I never would have imagined. I have seen hundreds of women find freedom from debilitating addictions, even more women and children heal from severe trauma, over 360 children reunited with their mothers after years of painful separations, and countless families embrace Jesus for the first time with a passion and fever that is refreshing.

So, in looking back, I have a whole new perspective on the hardworking missionaries I saw as a child. I no longer think they were weary. They were probably carrying the hard-core memories of the suffering they had seen and heard, which were impossible to unsee and unhear. They may not have laughed much because their hearts were left behind with the people they served. And the outdated clothes. Well, I’ve got nothing for that one. But I understand, now, why they always went back. Yeah, that one I totally get.

I now see scripture that used to sound theoretical as absolute truth that gives us specific instructions and guidance. I know angels and demons are real because I have seen them and felt their presence. Jesus truly exists and he’s not the stuffy guy I thought he was. He has a great sense of humor and enjoys imperfect, authentic people. The Holy Spirit is tangible because he gives me words to say and solutions to problems when there is no way I should know them. God is undeniably real because I have seen how he loves and protects his children in a humanly impossible way, his hand is in even the smallest details, and he extends grace even when it makes no sense on paper to do so. And miracles are not just something that happened in Bible times. They happen daily all around us.

When I think back over everything that has transpired since Blue Monarch began many years ago, I can see that my greatest peace came when I was blindly obedient, and I experienced the most comfort when I had faith to walk on water even though I knew I couldn’t. But one thing is very clear: there was no way to have either when I took my eyes off Jesus.

May I never avoid eye contact again.

Prayer:

Lord, give me the courage to look you in the eye, even when I am tempted to look away. Amen

Personal challenges and reflection:

• As a child, how did you see God? How has your perspective changed as an adult?
• How do we recognize God’s call (which is unique for each individual) and distinguish it from other influences in our lives?
• Why do you feel our first instinct is sometimes to resist God? What does this say about your faith?
• Have you ever avoided what you feel was God’s will? If yes, how does that make you feel and would you do anything differently now?
• When have you been obedient to God’s call on your life? How did he bless you?