Day 4: Becoming an Interdependent Family

Prioritize treating family members with greater care and consideration than even our closest friends.

Have you ever wondered why it seems acceptable for siblings to argue relentlessly, yet those same kids will willingly follow instructions from a favorite teacher or coach without complaint or hesitation? Why are we pleasant to our most challenging customers or co-workersbut we don’t hesitate to yell or speak disrespectfully to a family member?

While having great teachers and coaches in school is a wonderful gift, family members shouldn’t have to look outside the family for support, love, and guidance.

Imagine two circles of people holding hands—one facing outward, representing the independent family, and the other facing inward, symbolizing the interdependent family. The latter is the one looking at each other—a crucial aspect of building an interdependent family.

Interdependence in a family means that family members work together to achieve common tasks or goals. It's like the idea that two or more people working together can do better than one person alone. For instance, when family members help each other prepare meals, or plan a vacation, these are examples of interdependence!

To create a family with a strong identity, it’s essential to transition from seeking external sources to meet your needs and become a family that looks inward.

The journey begins with an acute awareness of each family member's needs.

Needs of a Man: Honor and Respect

Every man seeks honor and respect. If he doesn't receive these within the family, he might seek them elsewhere, often at work. The family can honor and respect him as a provider, problem-solver, and a leader.

Provider – Men often find a sense of honor and respect in being able to provide for their family's needs. This goes beyond just financial provision; it encompasses the emotional and physical well-being of the family as well. Acknowledging and appreciating a man's efforts in contributing to the family's stability and comfort reinforces his role as a provider. It communicates that his hard work and dedication are recognized and valued by the family.

Problem-Solver – Men generally appreciate being recognized for their problem-solving abilities. Whether it's addressing challenges at work or resolving issues within the family, being acknowledged for their problem-solving skills reinforces their sense of capability and importance. Encouraging a man's problem-solving contributions within the family context involves actively seeking his input on decisions, valuing his perspective, and expressing gratitude for the solutions he brings to challenges.

Leader – Many men naturally gravitate towards leadership roles, whether it's within the family, at work, or in other aspects of life. Recognizing and affirming a man's leadership qualities within the family context reinforces his significance. This doesn't necessarily mean traditional notions of leadership. Rather, it involves acknowledging his role in guiding the family, making important decisions, and setting a positive example for others.

Needs of a Woman: Love and Security

Spiritual Security – A woman is looking for her husband to become a spiritual leader. A spiritual leader of a family is the person who initiates spiritual things.

Emotional Security – A woman needs to know she is being heard and that she is safe to display emotions without ridicule. She needs to know the family is always willing to listen to her.

Relational Security – Women need to know that all relationships inside the family are healthy and growing, and that the “Husband + Wife” relationship is the priority relationship in the family. She needs to know that her husband considers her the most important person in the world and will protect her from forces inside or outside the family.

Financial Security – Typically, financial security comes from having confidence that two aspects of finances are taken care of: there is enough money to pay the bills, and there is a financial plan for the future. Regardless of who is “writing the checks every month”, it is vital to ensure the family is living within its means and there is a plan to deal with finances.

Physical Security – Women often think about physical security, both inside and outside the home. This security begins with her relationship at home.

Needs of a Daughter

Every daughter is also a woman or a developing woman. Which means, her needs closely correlate to the needs of a woman. Ultimately, she needs to feel loved and secure, but as a young woman, her current needs are rooted in her personal identity.

Do You See Me? – Every daughter is looking to be noticed and seen. Think of everything daughters in culture are doing today to be seen. They are really asking the question, "What makes me special?" Answering this question inside the family lets her know she is seen by the most important people to her.

Am I Beautiful? – This question is the question for every young woman and can define her baseline of self-worth. With the increasing pressures of the world defining beauty, if she does not receive the answer at home, she will search for the answer in the eyes of the world.

Am I Worth Fighting For? – There are times as a young woman when she feels vulnerable to the dangers of the world. It is imperative that your daughter knows you will protect her from all harm, inside and outside the family. Don’t be a passive protector, or she’ll look for the fight elsewhere.

Needs of a Son

Every son is also a man or a developing man. Which means, his needs closely correlate to the needs of a man, but his questions are rooted in his personal identity, which determines what kind of a man he becomes.

Am I Important to You? – Every son wants to feel like the most important person and the sense of pride for somebody, especially his father. Knowing his importance creates a sense of identity, strength, and purpose. Without an answer, a son will frequently look for importance outside the family, either in sports, work, women, or friends.

Am I Worth Fighting For? – While a sense of strength is at the core identity of a man, this is an intrinsic value that his family needs to answer, especially before he is able to fight for himself. Your participation and answering of this question will establish a confidence in him as he develops a physical, mental, and spiritual strength to face the challenges of life for himself.

Do I Have What It Takes? – This is the question every man asks throughout his life and works to prove. Answering it begins at home. The answer to this question directs his decisions on which battles to engage in, and whether he is operating from insecurity or confidence.

Building an interdependent family involves understanding and meeting these diverse needs, and ultimately creating a supportive environment where each member feels valued and secure.

1. How does your family currently work together on common tasks or goals?
2. Reflect on the role of open communication in your family. How can family meetings with open communication contribute to a purposeful family life?
3. How can you actively acknowledge and appreciate family members' contributions to emotional, spiritual, and practical needs?
4. Consider the needs of each family member. How well are these needs being met in your family?
5. How can you create an environment where each family member feels valued and secure by addressing emotional, relational, and physical needs?