When Relationships Get Complicatedনমুনা

Boundaries

Sometimes the limits of our relationships aren’t obvious, and we go beyond their natural boundaries. We might share secrets with acquaintances, live vicariously through our children, or expect friends to show up for us despite what’s going on in their own lives. Other times our friends and family expect the same from us. And if one of us fails to deliver, conflict can arise.

When the natural limits of relationships are stretched, it’s probably time to set some healthy boundaries. The book of Proverbs offers many cautions against relationships with no boundaries.

• Proverbs 17:9 says, “One who conceals an offense seeks love, but one who repeats a matter separates close friends.”
• Proverbs 18:24 says, “A person of too many friends comes to ruin.”
• Proverbs 25:17 says, “Let your foot rarely be in your neighbor’s house, or he will become weary of you and hate you.”

When a relationship lacks boundaries, each member experiences it differently. One person may feel fulfilled and happy, relying fully on the other person for every need and want. Meanwhile, the other person might feel mistreated and taken advantage of, putting energy and resources into a relationship that offers nothing in return.

Sometimes the boundaries needed to restore a healthy balance are so substantial and constraining that the relationship can’t survive. This doesn’t mean we’re allowed to hate or discard the other person. It simply means the bridge to full restoration is broken. We can grieve those losses but don’t need to feel regret.

Some things happen in relationships that are, as Dr. Stanley says in his book Finding Peace, outside the “boundaries of our responsibility, power, ability, or decision-making choice.” He summarizes by saying, “Some things are simply beyond our control.”

Important Note: In certain situations, boundaries are so damaged or absent that the relationship becomes harmful to one or both members. If you are unsafe physically, emotionally, or spiritually in a relationship, do whatever you can to get to safety. That may mean stepping away from a relationship, at least temporarily, until healthy boundaries can be restored. Stay with a friend, check into a shelter, reach out to your pastor, or attend another church for a while. In these cases, you will likely need the help of a third party to help you create new, healthy boundaries.

REFLECT

• Do you have a relationship that needs better boundaries? Which side are you on—taking advantage of the other person, or feeling taken advantage of? What is one boundary you could put in place that would benefit both parties? Spend some time praying about this relationship.
• Read Galatians 6:1-5. Have you ever fallen into temptation while trying to help someone else with his or her sin? What boundaries does Paul recommend to avoid that?
• How do you balance the desire to bear others’ burdens and the need to protect yourself? How does this passage from Galatians speak more broadly about the necessity for boundaries in helping us feel safe?