When Love Uses Gaslightingনমুনা

Eyes Wide Open

Gaslighting is a word that has exploded on the scene in our culture. If you’ve just become familiar with the concept, you may feel liberated to finally have a word to define the insanity of what you’ve experienced. But now with eyes wide open to this truth, you may be wondering, How did this happen? What did I miss?

Let me assure you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were targeted and groomed by someone with a malicious motive for power and control. The process was gradual and intentional.

Before gaslighting can be effective, trust has to be developed. Emotions have to be forged. This is often done through love bombing, a technique used by those who want to have power over their partners. It’s an over-the-top romantic pursuit intended to lure and captivate a love interest in order to gain control.

Once the manipulator is satisfied that their partner’s emotional connection is secure, the devaluation stage sets in. Sarcasm, put downs and dismissive attitudes leave you wondering what happened. You tell yourself that this isn’t the man you fell in love with. In order to reconcile the disconnect, you quell your suspicions and minimize the confusion by reasoning that he didn’t really mean it. He’s stressed out, had a bad day or overwhelmed with work. The reality, however, is that his actions prove who he is. Words just prove who he pretends to be.

We get into trouble when we put all of our trust into our partner’s words and overlook patterns of destructive or abusive behavior. If this seems judgmental, remember that Jesus used a metaphor to describe people’s character when he said that a tree is known by its fruit. If your partner is deceitful, accusatory, dismissive, sarcastic or twists the truth, his actions provide evidence of what is in his heart. His actions have already judged his heart.

Living in a toxic environment or dealing with a partner who gaslights you can destroy your confidence, make you question your sanity and feel confused. In order to keep your peace, you’ll have to keep your distance. Keeping your distance doesn’t always mean a physical separation or breakup, but it always involves setting emotional boundaries.

Detaching is the opposite of enabling. Detaching means you quit trying to change your partner and allow him to experience the consequences of his actions while you shift your focus to your own health and well-being. I love the wisdom in the acronym for detach: Don’t Even Try To Change Him.

It would be easier if he would change and you’ve no doubt tried. Taking responsibility for your own emotional health, however, is the path to peace. Separating accusations and gaslighting from your identity takes practice, but you can learn that the way he treats you doesn’t define you. His actions showcase his character, not your worth.