Forgiveness: A Surprising Way Forwardনমুনা

Day 6: Forgiveness and Reconciliation

"If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all." ~ Romans 12:18

Did Jesus forgive everyone who hurt Him? Jesus enjoyed times of popularity, but He also had powerful enemies. Like David, Jesus lived much of His life on the run, avoiding those who wanted to harm Him (John 7:1). Hebrews 4:15 tells us Jesus lived a perfect and sinless life. Certainly, this included forgiving all who offended and attacked Him. (Matthew 6:12) But even Jesus, who loved every person, was unable to reconcile or live in harmony with all. (John 15:18)

Forgiveness and reconciliation are completely different actions. Forgiveness is a transaction between God and me alone. Forgiveness is giving God responsibility for offenses. When I trust God to make things right, forgiveness has taken place. I may never speak to the offender again, but forgiveness has done its work and I am free.

Reconciliation is the act of restoring a relationship with another person. While this is often desirable, it is not always possible. It is normal to hope for a restored, healthy relationship—especially with loved ones. Saul was David’s father-in-law. Certainly, David wanted to return to his wife and royal home in Jerusalem, but reconciliation was not a safe choice. Saul was still bent on killing David, leaving no path forward to restore their relationship.

The scriptures never mandate reconciliation, yet clearly instruct us to forgive every offense. When we confuse forgiveness and reconciliation, we put ourselves at risk. Sometimes healthy boundaries are necessary to keep ourselves and others safe from a perpetrator. Perhaps you’ve heard it said, “It takes two to reconcile.” Whenever possible, as much as it depends on us, God wants us to reconcile and live at peace with all. (Romans 12:18) In many cases, the perpetrator is unwilling to repent or still intends to harm. When we meet with hurting individuals, we advise, “Forgive first. Then God will make it clear whether reconciliation is wise in your situation.”

God wants you to live free. Forgiveness is a transaction between you and God. It does not depend on an apology from a perpetrator. It is not contingent on reconciliation or restored trust. God asks us to pray for healed relationships, but you can forgive even when restoration is not possible. When you give offenses over to God and trust Him to bring justice, He promises freedom from these burdens.

Looking Deeper

Have you tried to forgive through confrontation? Have you told an offender, “I forgive you?” Did this bring you freedom or more pain?

In your situation, how is forgiveness different from reconciliation? What are the risks of reconciliation? Is the person likely to hurt you or others again?