Killing Comparisonনমুনা

Transparent moment.

For much of my life I struggled with feeling left out, overlooked, and unwanted. This was the outgrowth of many things, including having my mother tell me she didn't want me and not being chosen for teams in school due to being overweight and unwanted by my classmates. Well, in spring 2020, when the world was going into lockdown, the full-year of speaking engagements I had was wiped clear as events were cancelled. But, one day, I was on Instagram when I saw that a number of my friends had been invited to speak at a major women's conference that went virtual. I knew the speakers, and I knew the host... but I wasn't invited to speak.

I started drowning in feelings of inadequacy as my mind flooded with questions like, "why wasn't I invited?" "Why was I left out?" "Why wasn't I good enough?" But in the midst of those questions, the Holy Spirit asked me a different question that forever changed the trajectory of my life and identity. He asked me, "why does it matter?" That simple question was so profound. It cut me to my heart. It forced me to confront what I believed about myself. And what I believed wasn't pretty.

Somehow, someway, somewhere along the line, I had started to secure my identity to the speaking invitations I received. Not being asked to speak simply uncovered this truth. I felt insecure because I had secured my identity to the insecure foundation of being invited. But in our focus verse today, we see how Jonathan secured his identity to the only secure foundation from which we can walk boldly in our purpose without comparison to anyone else.

Unlike his father, King Saul, Jonathan didn't see David as a threat because he was approved by the people. Instead, Jonathan loved and celebrated David. But how? Well, before David even steps onto the scene, we get a glimpse of the belief that anchored Jonathan's identity in 1 Samuel 14:6:

"Jonathan said to his young armor-bearer, 'Come, let’s go over to the outpost of those uncircumcised men. Perhaps the Lord will act in our behalf. Nothing can hinder the Lord from saving, whether by many or by few.'”

Jonathan fought Philistines on behalf of God, not because he was trying to impress people (there was no audience) and not because he was trying to make a name for himself (there was no audience). He went by himself because he trusted fully in God and believed that nothing could oppose his purpose in God. Not people's approval. Not his status as future King. Nothing. And this is why, when your insecurity gets triggered from being left out or overlooked, instead of asking "why wasn't I chosen" or "why does he always get it," ask, "why does it matter."

Before our next session, get before God and pray for him to show you the root of your insecurity so you can build your identity on the secure foundation of who he says you are.