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Communication Killers 

I believe there are “communication killers” that prevent the clear, effective communication that is necessary for us to have successful relationships. Let’s take a look at the top five. 

The first communication killer is fear. Communication blooms in the soil of trust. When one spouse tries to force their point of view on the other, you have an emotional dictatorship. Interestingly, it is often not the strongest person in the relationship who pushes their point of view on the other, but rather the most insecure party. Insecure people are dogmatic; they can’t be wrong. They are too emotionally weak to allow anyone to disagree with them. 

Healthy, effective communication requires emotional nakedness; but that’s impossible where dominance and insecurity are present. In order to expose yourself to another person, you need to first know that you will be heard, respected, and not made to feel ashamed or foolish. 

The second communication killer is a lack of honesty. Have you ever twisted the facts so that they were compatible with your point of view? How does that work in real life? 

Two boys were playing football in a park in a small Texas town when one of the boys was suddenly attacked by a crazed pit bull. Thinking quickly, the other boy took a stick and shoved it in the dog’s collar. He twisted the stick and broke the dog’s neck, saving his friend’s life. A sportswriter who was walking by witnessed the incident. He came over to interview the boy. Flipping open his reporter’s notepad, he told the boy he was going to write a story for the newspaper. 

He said he was going to title the article, “Young Texas Longhorn Fan Saves Friend from Vicious Animal.” The little boy protested, “But I’m not a Longhorn fan.” The sportswriter said, “Well, everybody in Texas is either a Longhorn fan or a Texas Aggie. So I’ll headline the article, ‘Fighting Texas Aggie Rescues Friend from Horrific Attack.’ How does that sound?” The boy said, “I don’t like that either.” The sportswriter said, “Well, why not?” The boy said, “Because I’m from Oklahoma and I think the Oklahoma Sooners are the greatest football team in America.” The sportswriter frowned, tore off a sheet on his notepad, and started writing a new title: “Little Redneck Savage from Oklahoma Kills Beloved Family Pet.” 

That’s what you call twisting the facts to support your preferred narrative. Be honest. 

A third communication killer is the angry explosion. It’s a proven fact that deep feelings must be expressed, one way or another. Think of it like trying to hold a beach ball under the water. You can wrestle with it, move side to side with it, even try to sit on it, but eventually it will explode to the surface like Mount Vesuvius. Just like that beach ball, all of your deeply felt emotions that are not expressed in a healthy way will sooner or later erupt. And trust me, it won’t be pretty. 

A fourth communication killer is tears. I know both men and women who have used this tactic effectively. If during the first spat a newlywed couple has the wife turns on the water works, she is teaching her husband that there is a line he cannot cross, or she’ll cry. At that moment, communication stops, and control begins. 

The fifth communication killer is exaggeration. You’ve heard the tragic story of the boy who cried wolf. Well, let me tell you the story of a boy who cried “lion.” He was six years old when he ran into the house screaming, “Mother, there’s a cat in the backyard that’s as big as a lion!” The mother scolded the little boy and said, “If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times; stop exaggerating!” 

She sent him to his room and told him to ask the Lord to help him with his exaggeration problem. Ten minutes later, the boy came out of his room. His mother said, “Well?” The little boy said, “I talked to God about it. And He told me that the first time He saw that cat, He thought it was a lion, too!” 

Fear, lack of honesty, angry explosion, tears, and exaggeration. These are communication killers.