Let Go of the Guilt: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Take Back Your Joyনমুনা

Embracing Freedom  

Guilt has an upside. Even though your feelings of guilt might at times be draining, they might also have contributed to your success, your relationships, and the good decisions you’ve made. Ultimately, it motivates us to improve our behavior, do the right things, and do right by others.

The most successful women don’t just follow certain steps to success; they think differently in the face of every challenge and opportunity they face. The assumption might be that their thoughts are all positive, but that’s not true. Guilt plays a role in their success. The anticipation of guilt can guide your behavior so that you become more trustworthy, successful, have more self-control, and hold to the goals or expectations of others. It can cause you to give to those in need (a habit that leads to happiness and fulfillment). 

While carrying out responsibilities and duties effectively is a positive thing, it is possible to be conscientious about the wrong things. You can’t just be conscientious about living up to norms; you need to be conscientious about what norms are truly right and good. Conscientiousness without conscience is dangerous. Using your conscience is how you reset and adjust your behavior to eliminate false guilt. 

Your conscience is your moral compass, your guide. For me, that guide is the Holy Spirit. It is the voice of God Himself nudging me in the right direction. If you are a woman of faith, your beliefs define your values. When I open my Bible, I’m clear about what matters. It’s there in clear print. And sometimes it requires the humility of understanding the state of all human beings—that we are all guilty, that none of us is perfect. The fact that you struggle with guilt is not a negative trait. It means you have a conscience. And your conscience has served you well. Learning to distinguish between good guilt that makes you a better human and false guilt will help you better navigate guilt and take back your joy.

There is no guilt without expectation. And so there is no faster way to undo your guilty feelings than to adjust your expectations of yourself. To let go of guilt, we must let go of expectations that do not align with who and where we are and reset our expectations intentionally to reflect the joy and purpose we so deeply want. This takes self-compassion. Take a breath. Pivot. Examine yourself and decide whether your expectations are the right ones for you to have.

As you consciously choose new thoughts based on healthy values, you will create new feelings—ones based on living in freedom and joy. As you define your expectations in ways that are specific and measurable, not vague, you can find satisfaction and freedom in knowing when those expectations are being met, or adjust your behavior when you know you are falling short. This evaluation process must be on-going as your life circumstances change so that you have fresh, balanced expectations appropriate to each season you are in. 

It’s easier to let people tell you what your expectations ought to be, especially if embracing those expectations means approval and acceptance. Real growth happens when you quietly and prayerfully question every expectation you have embraced—then you can choose what to hold on to and what to adjust or discard. Resetting them allows you to let go of false guilt and embrace joy. 

Respond

How has the anticipation of guilt helped you make responsible choices? 

How does your conscience help you evaluate the expectations that motivate your thoughts and behavior? 

In what ways can God help you set values and expectations that allow you to let go of false guilt and embrace joy?