Free Looks Good on You: Healing the Soul Wounds of Toxic Loveনমুনা

Forgiveness is hard. It’s a lot like algebra. We can't learn how to solve an algebraic equation until we’ve learned how to add, subtract, multiply, and divide. Likewise, there are skills we need to learn that will enable us to forgive and make it stick. 

Because…it doesn’t always stick. 

How many times have you forgiven and then, a few days later, found yourself angry all over again? Somehow, bitterness made its way back. 

Like the dust bunnies, you swept away last week. 

Forgiveness is not a one-and-done experience. It’s something we have to do over and over again. It’s like cleaning the house. We can’t clean the house once a year and expect it to stay pristine. And since we are the dwelling place of God, we have the responsibility to keep our spiritual house clean. 

Instead, many women mask their pain and bitterness by running to counterfeit comforters that promise relief. They know they’re supposed to forgive, but the process of forgiving is often too vague. It seems easier to bury the pain and deny it exists. They don’t know how to turn to God and release the offense, so they squash their emotions with anything that provides temporary relief. 

Others fall for the illusion that the easiest way to forgo forgiveness is to deny that they’re even angry in the first place. They minimize their pain with a variety of lies in order to reconcile their anguish. They reject reality to numb the crazy.

Minimizing, rationalizing, and denying our pain also makes us unaware of the bitterness that begins to grow. Often, we don’t recognize bitterness because it manifests as shame, guilt, and self-condemnation. Other people can also contribute to our denial. Although their advice may be well-intended, their comments can influence our perception and delay our acknowledgment of the offense and the resulting need to forgive. Their comments can also produce shame and other feelings of self-hatred. We may wonder why we’re so conflicted when they say things like:

• Get over it.
• It’s not that big of a deal.
• You shouldn’t feel that way.
• You asked for it.
• You should have known better.

The Bible warns us about people who dish out false comfort. Be careful whom you listen to. Everyone has an opinion, but not everyone offers wise counsel.