My Child’s Different: Support for the Ups & Downsনমুনা

Today’s devotion is from Alice Thomas, mom to a son with a rare genetic disability who is obsessed with dolphins and Superman.

What About When You’re Angry at God? 

My husband and I sat in stunned silence as the neonatologist told us there was a good chance our unborn baby may have a disability. I kept staring at the ultrasound picture in my hand, looking for the ‘markers’ he was talking about. I left the appointment stunned, shocked, and broken. I felt hurt and betrayed by the one who should always have my back—in short, I was angry at God.

It was 22 years ago that the neonatologist gave us the shocking news, yet I can still remember my tidal wave of emotions. The prognosis changed the future of our lives. All the sadness, disappointment, and brokenness I felt at receiving the news was channeled into anger.

Anger is a primary emotion that prowls behind every obstacle, hindrance, and setback—waiting to pounce and devour. If I allow myself to become its victim, I will become more angry, bitter, and resentful. Unresolved anger is an infectious disease. Left untreated, it ravages the body, mind, and spirit by destroying joy, hope, peace, and even love. Thankfully, I’ve learned how to prevent my anger from becoming debilitating. It’s a simple three-step cleanse: question, vent, and reaffirm.

Try these three steps the next time you feel angry at God.

1. Question. There are always deeper, secondary emotions behind anger. The first thing I do is find them. I ask myself questions like: Why is this situation making me angry? Am I angry with God? What did I expect God to do? It’s about removing all the dirt and blood so the wound can be exposed and properly treated.

2. Vent. I vent in writing. I don’t worry about what I’m writing or try to stem the flow of words because it’s about releasing. I’ve learned never to be afraid or ashamed to admit anything to God because when we vent our anger toward God, we are being honest with ourselves. God already knows, so we might as well be truthful with Him.

3. Reaffirm. After I vent, the critical question I ask myself each and every time I am angry with God is, Do I trust God? Ultimately, it’s not about what God did or didn’t do. It all boils down to whether I trust Him or not. I try to be as specific as I can on exactly what I’m trusting God for just as I was very specific about why I am angry with God.

I reaffirm with a prayer. My formula is very simple—I acknowledge my fears and concerns first and then use the phrase “but I trust You” to redirect my spirit. This is a natural transition from all the negativity of venting, and a reminder of hope. This is the kind of prayer I pray after I vent:

Father, I don’t know where this journey will take me, and I’m scared, but I trust You will be with me. This is not the path I would’ve chosen for myself, but I trust Your ways and thoughts are so much higher than mine. I feel overwhelmed and inadequate to be the parent of a child with a disability, but I trust You will give me the wisdom I need when I need it. I know You started this work in my baby and trust You will also finish the work in him.

Questioning, venting, and reaffirming my trust in God helped me overcome feeling angry at God after receiving the initial diagnosis. It is something I continue to practice because it brings me so much peace. “But I trust You, God” is my mantra and weapon of choice every time I see anger rearing its head. It takes my eyes off my circumstances and fixes them firmly on Jesus.

Journal: Write your own “But I trust You, God” prayer.