Body Imageনমুনা

Find Beauty in Your Battle with Eating Disorders

For the last twelve years, I’ve battled anorexia.

There have been seasons of recovery and seasons of relapse. My battle with anorexia has never been about the number on the scale, it has always been about control. I couldn’t control everything else happening in life, but I felt I could control my weight. Around the time this battle crept into my life, my mother became mentally ill. After years of seeing my mother test new antipsychotic medications and spend time in mental hospitals, doctors diagnosed her with bipolar-paranoid schizophrenia. Living with a mom losing a battle to paranoia forced my twin sister and me to grow up quickly. When I needed my mother most, she wasn’t capable of helping me.

I’m thankful for the battles that have come my way in the twenty-five years I’ve been on this earth. Being raised by a mother with mental illness and my personal battle with anorexia have molded me into who I am today. I remember being upset with God and doubting His goodness in the difficult moments, but now I know these struggles have been used to bring God the glory He deserves. Today, I’m confident in knowing God fights for me and with me.

There’s beauty to be found in moments of vulnerability and transparency that bring hope, redemption, and purpose—especially in difficult times. I used to go through life white-knuckled, until I had a moment of full surrender to the Lord.

Whatever battle you’re fighting today–whether it’s doubt, comparison, addiction, pride, whatever–it does not define you. My eating disorder does not define me. These battles are a part of my story that’s still being written by the God who is fighting for all our hearts.

Yes, because of His loving care, my heart’s being shaped into something beautiful, brave, and strong.

—Kourtni