Marriage Crisisনমুনা

So One of You Had an Extramarital Affair? You Can Make It

I vividly remember the day I found out my husband was having an affair. The following days were met with confusion, sorrow, prayer, and counsel. How could I, a therapist, be in this situation? What did I not see? Were there signs of trouble that I missed? But one question outweighed all the others. What do you do when you discover your significant other has had an affair?

There is no simple solution, but there is hope. Hope in a God who heals. Hope that, with some hard work and a lot of prayer and hard conversations, your marriage can be restored. In my experience, the couples who emerge healed take three steps.

Three Steps Toward Healing After an Extramarital Affair:

1. Make an Honest Assessment
The most important decision to make is whether or not the marriage is worth fighting for. If you’ve been cheated on, you’ll need to see more than just remorse from your spouse. You’ll need to see signs they’re turning from their old ways—and turning toward what God wants for them, instead. This is how you’ll know you can walk forward together toward healing in your marriage. 

I wish I could say this always happens. Sometimes, it doesn’t. But you can be sure that God will restore you to a place of healing as a single person, too. Whether or not you and your spouse are walking forward together, don’t delay in moving on to the next step on this list.

2. Get Help
You must find someone to talk to. Go to your mentor, pastor, a therapist, or a counselor. If you’re both willing to fight for your marriage, find someone you both trust and feel comfortable with. It’s important for both of you to feel comfortable in order to create a safe environment in which to communicate honestly and vulnerably.

3. Embrace the Process of Forgiveness
Many spouses who have affairs will experience pain, shame, and embarrassment. It’s important to process those emotions, but not hold onto them forever. Part of the healing process involves moving past what happened to a place of communication, vulnerability, and trust. If you’ve had an affair, ask God for forgiveness, ask your spouse for forgiveness, and most of all, ask yourself for forgiveness.

If you’ve been cheated on, you have a path of forgiveness to walk, too. As followers of Christ, we must learn to forgive one another no matter how badly we’ve been hurt. When we choose to forgive, we are healing, we are honoring Christ, and we are becoming transformed into a new person.

Is any of this easy? No. But I’m so thankful my husband and I put in the hard work. My marriage is so different from what it used to be. And, I can attest that those I’ve worked with who’ve had to start fresh after a devastating end to their marriage have also made it. We’re a band of people who are living proof that with God’s help, you can make it through an extramarital affair.

—Jenna