Relational Vampiresনমুনা

Controlling Relationships

Controlling people, critical people, needy people, hypocritical people—why do we feel like they’re real-life vampires? Maybe because they kind of are! 

Think about it. If relationships with these people can suck the life out of you, then … okay, you get it. 

But, wait. In science, when one organism harmfully takes from another without returning benefit, it’s called a parasitic relationship. Yes, it’s unfair and uneven, but it’s still called a relationship. See where this is going? A relationship takes two. One is taking and the other is somehow giving. 

It’s no different in a controlling relationship. One person is taking something while the other person is allowing something. 

This may sound simple, but it can be so confusing and painful when you’re in the middle of it. Someone makes all the decisions or takes all the opportunity. No matter how much you give, it’s not enough. Maybe it’s sex, power, money, or guilt they use to get their way. Maybe they do everything for everyone around them because they want things to be done “right,” not realizing how this belittles others’ contributions. Perhaps they’re the spouse or boss who speaks mostly in passive-aggressive, or just straight-up aggressive threats. Or maybe like most of us, you can sometimes be a control freak.

Okay, stop right here. Take a minute to breathe and pray. 

Jesus, will You lovingly show me the relationships where I’m unhealthily taking something or allowing something? Will You give me the strength and courage to take steps toward healing and freedom? Will You replace my need to control or please others, with Your love, confidence, and freedom? Amen.

Are you a controller? Ask some people you trust for help. Remember how God does some of His most amazing work through relationships? Tell your spouse, friends, and think seriously about talking with a counselor. You probably have some pain God wants to heal. It’s possible you spent some hurtful time being controlled yourself. 

Are you an “allower”? Tell some people who are consistently life-giving and trustworthy. If you’re in a safe situation with the person who is controlling, talk to them about it and create some boundaries with them. If it makes sense, involve someone else in the conversation. If you’re experiencing physical or emotional abuse, tell a safe person like a counselor, pastor, or an authority right away. 

Memorize this for when you need it: It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.