10 Days To A Better Marriageনমুনা

Day 10:

 Every human being has a core need to belong. We want to know that people believe in us, approve of us, and accept us for who we are. Acceptance seems to be pretty easy when we’re dating. After marriage, acceptance gets harder because we bump into those differences more often! On top of that, we begin to deal with life circumstances we weren’t necessarily expecting. This is why we need our God-tool of acceptance. 

Acceptance is the action of fully receiving someone for who they completely are without trying to change, alter, or correct them. This is a hard one for many of us. We say we accept our spouse, but in those dark places of reality, we are really trying to change them. They are driving us nuts and we want it to stop. This was honestly at the core of my (Mark) disillusionment with my marriage when I left. I couldn’t see it then, but I see it clearly now. 

Both Jill and I have had quite a learning curve when it comes to the tool of acceptance. For me (Jill) acceptance is a God-tool I’ve had a hard time remembering to use. My pride of thinking my way is the right way too often gets in the way. I want Mark’s brain to work like mine, and when it doesn’t, my tendency is to criticize or to try to change him. I want Mark to like some of the same things I like, and when he doesn’t, I work to change his perspective. When I’m doing those kinds of things, I’m not accepting him for who he is and how God made him. 

Acceptance has helped me honor my husband. It’s helped me celebrate who he is. Mark moves at a different pace than I do so I’m learning to honor his slower steps forward…even his pauses to stop and smell the flowers along the way. I’m not his mom. I’m not his coach. I’m not his teacher. I’m his wife, and acceptance has helped me to link arms with the man I love in order to walk through life together. 

As I (Mark) worked through the affair and examined the “why’s” behind what happened in my head and my heart, I realized I wasn't accepting Jill for who she is. Instead, I was working against her, trying to change her into what was easier and more comfortable for me. I was working to make her into who I wanted her to be.

My first step in learning to use the tool of acceptance was asking God for forgiveness. I cleaned up the mess I made in my head and my heart against my wife. Once I cleaned up my inside mess, I then asked Jill for forgiveness. Then the real work began for me. I had to start seeing the good in Jill…even in the things that frustrated me. 

There is so much good in our differences, but before I learned about acceptance, I couldn’t see those things. Not only that, but I took our challenges personally. I made things about me that, while they affected me, weren’t about me at all. 

I confess I am the guy who is always wanting the "easy button." I am the guy has always desired the "no combat and no conflict zone." But I’m also the guy who just went along for the ride, not wanting to make waves while bitterness was simmering beneath the surface. 

We invite you to change your prayer today. Instead of “God, change her,” or “Lord, change him,” start praying “Father, please change me.” That’s the first step in picking up your God-tool of acceptance.

What about you? Where do you need to stop trying to change your spouse and instead accept him or her just as he or she is? 

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