Joe's Table: A Place Where Disabilities Become Giftsনমুনা

Although my husband did his best for the family and my mother helped me throughout the day, I couldn’t shake my growing feeling of loneliness. I couldn’t even believe God was with me. Day by day, my body and mind deteriorated slowly. Days continued to feel like an endless race, a race where I was always alone. Then one day, God couldn’t leave me alone any longer. He sent me an angel. A female pastor came to preach at Wilshire Korean Presbyterian Church, my father-in-law’s church.

“Stephanie, you are not alone. God knows your pain and agony. He has been watching you all this time. What you are going through is all in God’s plan.” This was how the prayer began. I had not told anyone about my loneliness, so once I heard the word “alone,” I couldn’t control my tears. As if I had previously told this pastor about my daily life in great detail, she mentioned the specific conflicts within my family arising from my son’s autism. She pinpointed my pains. She told me that God was fully aware of all my circumstances and that He wanted to help me as my Father. It was as if God diagnosed me through this pastor’s prayer: “I know all your brokenness and pain. I know all your scars. I understand you.” God made it crystal clear that he knew my every cry. 

These simple words gave me unbelievable peace. I felt as if a gigantic wall had been knocked down in my heart. I no longer felt impeded. I was overwhelmed by waves of peace, which made me just cry and cry. I realized that my God had never left me; he had been walking with me, bearing all my burdens. I experienced a small miracle through this prayer. Ever since I learned about Joseph’s autism, a sickness had grown in my heart, and I had isolated myself by building walls. But that day, God healed me. For the first time in my life, I realized God was never far away; he was with me everywhere, in every moment. While I was thanking God with joyful tears, the evangelist poured out blessings for me. She gave me God’s promise in her prayer: “God allowed this suffering for you. If you endure it, you will see a green pasture and beautiful meadows stretched out before you. You will experience God’s abundant blessings.”

Gracious God, thank you for knowing me. And not just the surface things, but knowing my inner most being. Help me not be afraid. I want to open up to you and let you in fully. Thank you for walking with me through this hard time. Amen.