One By One: A 7-Day Devotional By Gina Dalfonzoናሙና

Loving Each Other As We Are

We single Christians constantly deal with this inner tension between the good things the church has taught us—God has a plan for our lives and is lovingly guiding us—and the not-so-good things—if we’re single, we must have done something wrong. This is how even churches that hold to a grace-filled view of God can end up teaching a legalistic view of humanity. We’re told we’ll get the attention and the love we desire if we can just make ourselves into better, worthier, more beautiful people. 

The tiny sliver of truth embedded in these teachings makes them all the more powerful. Of course it’s important to take care of ourselves and pay attention to the impression we make. But somewhere along the way, this truth has been twisted into the belief that however well-groomed and well-mannered we are, if we haven’t found a mate yet, then it’s not enough. We have to be more attractive, more personable. Men have to be more willing to step up and take charge; women have to be more willing to sit back and be quiet. And if we can’t achieve that perfect combination of qualities, then we just have to try harder. 

This is how the poison of false teachings about singleness, dating, and marriage can leak into our larger view of the world, of faith, and of God. When you hear that whisper of “You’re not good enough to catch a man/attract a woman” too often, it’s easy to internalize that as “You’re not good enough…. Period.”

Hearing these messages all the time can catch us in an endless loop of perfectionism that can do serious damage to both our walk with God and our sense of self. If it goes on long enough, we can start to feel that no one could possibly love us as we are. 

True friendship with others doesn’t come through making them feel “not good enough.” It comes from seeing them and loving them as they are. To do this, Christians need to start rethinking our views about the way we prioritize marriage and how we handle the fact that marriage is not going to happen for everyone. Above all, Christians need to be reminded how to look at single people simply as people. 

How does being certain of our own identity in Christ free us to love others well?