Calming Angry Kidsናሙና

Building Bonds

All through life there seem to be things that pull parents and children apart. Work and school often separate us during the day. Our kids connect with teachers and coaches, and they find it especially easy to connect with friends. And even when we are with our kids physically—by being in each other’s presence—we often don’t connect emotionally. Because of this, small conflicts turn into big confrontations, which lead to anger. That’s why finding a way to connect with our kids is so important. The more we connect and understand our kids, the more we feel what they’re feeling and understand what they’re going through. And the more they do the same when they connect with us. 

In fact, it’s the daily moments when I catch our preteens or teens doing something good that matter most. When I notice them working hard on their homework, supporting a friend, or doing a chore without being asked, I tell them I appreciate their efforts. When I point out something I love about their character, personality, hobbies, or interests, that approval goes a long way. As an example, I’ve sat through conversations about comic books and makeup tips—praising a child’s knowledge and wisdom—not because I was interested in those things but because my teens were. I wanted them to know I was proud they took time and effort to grow a passion or learn a skill. 

It took a conscious effort to ignore the bad and praise the good, but nothing has worked better in getting my kids to obey me. After the first day of my overexcited reactions, my husband returned home from work to a wife who had no voice left—and was very exhausted—but also to three children who were happy and excited about all the ways they’d obeyed that day. 

Still, what all kids want most is one thing: to spend time with Mom and Dad—real, quality, chill-out-and-have-fun-together time. Not only are children disappointed when they are merely shuffled from event to event; they’re also physically and emotionally spent (which can also lead to anger issues, as we’ve mentioned). On the other hand, kids who have time to play, explore, create, and spend time with their families often don’t have the same struggles with anger as other kids their ages. It’s amazing, isn’t it, that sometimes the best thing we can do to help our kids manage their anger is to just find ways to connect with them, in the ways that mean the most to them?