Strengths Based MarriageSample

After forty-three years of marriage and having counseled thousands of couples, it has become very clear that we can look to the Bible to understand the basic needs of men and women.

As an example, aside from the basic need for love, the number one need of men is respect. This can be seen in Ephesians 5:22–24, where it says, “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. But as the church is subject to Christ, so also the wives ought to be to their husbands in everything” (NASB).

This does not give men the right to dominate but rather empowers women to love their husbands through sacrificial honor. Therefore, the deepest wound a man can experience is disrespect or dishonor. When a wife praises her husband, she is not only meeting his primary need as a man, she is also healing the wounds of his past.

Besides love, the primary need of women is security. Ephesians 5 goes on to say in verses 28–30, “So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.”

Little girls and women need to know that they are going to be cared for, nurtured, and protected by a selfless, sacrificial man. When a husband creates an atmosphere of security for his wife, he is meeting her primary need as well as healing any wounds she might have from her past of abandonment, lack of nurturing, abuse, and so on.