Resolving Conflict in Marriage预览

A Fighting Stance

I grew up in a rough neighborhood. So, when I had the opportunity to study martial arts to protect myself, I took it. We practiced kicking, punching, and throwing each other on the mat. Most of what we learned seemed directly applicable to fighting, but one element felt too awkward to be of any use—the horse stance.

We would stand with our feet wider than shoulders width apart, and knees bent in a semi-squatting position while punching and blocking. It was supposed to be more stable, but I couldn’t imagine ever using it in real life.

The next time I was on the train, I decided to prove to myself how ineffective it was. So, I picked a fight with inertia. I stood in the middle of the car, let go of the pole, dropped into a horse stance, and waited for the train to pull out. To my surprise, my teacher was right. I didn’t fall over, no matter how many twists and turns that subway ride took.

From that day on, every train ride became a chance to practice my stance, and my fighting improved. Previously, when sparing, I’d get so caught up trying to throw a good punch or kick that I’d wind up off balance. Sometimes I’d even end up on the floor without ever getting hit.

A similar thing can happen if we attempt to approach our spouse about something they’re doing. We might start off with the best intentions, but, without the right posture, we can easily find ourselves off balance and wind up in another argument.

I could tell my wife was hiding behind a wall of work. If she wasn’t on the computer, she was cleaning. If there was nothing left to clean, she’d reorganize a closet—anything to keep from slowing down. I wanted to shout, “You need to stop! This isn’t healthy.” But as my annoyance grew, I could sense my footing wasn’t right.

Galatians 6:1 teaches that we must first plant one foot securely in a spirit of gentleness and the other in self-awareness. Only with the proper stance will we be in a position not only to help “restore” but also not fall over ourselves.

I spent some time in prayer, asking for wisdom. It took a while, but I eventually caught her in a quiet moment and asked, with genuine concern and without a hint of accusation, “Why do you work so hard?”

She eventually admitted she was scared to slow down and face the sadness of our recent move. We had several long conversations after that, and thankfully—because we both had the proper stance—we didn’t fall down.

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What posture do you have when dealing with conflict in your marriage? Is your goal to win an argument or to help your spouse? What can you do to get your footing right?