Day 6: “What walls am I keeping up?”

Today’s soul question is “What walls am I keeping up?” and our focus is on forgiveness.

Walls come in many forms and keep us from being intimate with our spouse. How can we see into each other if we don’t let our spouse in? As you consider today’s soul question, what comes to mind? If you had 10 seconds to answer, what would you say? What walls are you keeping up that keep you and your spouse from creating the closeness and intimacy you desire?

How often have you thought, “My spouse isn’t pursuing me the way I want,” only to realize you had created walls they could not see?

We have found that many of the walls we create come down to a lack of forgiveness. We close off certain parts of ourselves to our spouse because we may consciously or unconsciously hold anger, resentment, or bitterness toward them. Why? More often than you might think, it's because we haven’t forgiven them.

Now, you might already be thinking about something you haven't forgiven your spouse for, but consider this: What have you not forgiven yourself for? See, most of the time, when we cannot forgive our spouse, it stems from a place in us where we have withheld forgiveness from ourselves.

When we withhold forgiveness from ourselves, it often comes from a belief that we are not worthy of forgiveness. Forgiveness is a gift from God, freely given, unconditional of our performance other than simply saying yes and receiving, yet we withhold it from ourselves so easily.

In the same way, we may refuse forgiveness from God, we often withhold forgiveness from our spouse. What you cannot do for yourself, you cannot do for your spouse.

When we learn to accept God’s forgiveness for us, we experience a spiritual and felt sense of forgiveness and now have the ability to offer forgiveness to our spouse.

Paul wrote to the Church in Colossae, Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Stumbles, snags, and relationship accidents will inevitably happen when two people blend their lives into one partnership. We must often “bear with each other and forgive each other,” just as Christ has done for us.

Forgiveness collapses walls in our marriage, and when these walls of bitterness and resentment come down, we experience true intimacy.

Our brain does not like to betray its beliefs about what keeps it safe. Maybe the last time you received forgiveness from God, you messed up again, and the shame you took on created a core belief about yourself. If that core belief says, “I am not worthy of being forgiven,” your brain will keep you from experiencing intimacy with another because that shame you once felt seems so daunting to face again. Remember, your brain wants to keep you safe, not put you at emotional risk.

When we truly, deeply, and on a felt level believe that the Son of God gave Himself up for our sins and that He truly paid it all, we begin to accept God’s gift of forgiveness because He believed we were worth dying for. Take a moment, close your eyes, and put your hand on your chest, over your heart, and just God to help you receive His love for you. Ask until you feel it. The stronger sense we have of God's love and forgiveness for us will dramatically increase our ability to both give and receive love and forgiveness from our spouse.

Action Item: Write down 1-2 things that come to mind that you haven't forgiven yourself for. Take a moment, give those things over to the Lord, repent, ask for, and enjoy His forgiveness for you. Now, write down 1-2 things you’ve struggled to forgive your spouse for. Declare before the Lord that you are forgiving your spouse because He has forgiven you.