Student Leadership 601: Conflict and Communication Sample

Day Three — Trade Your Bulldozers For Blueprints

You know the phrase, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me”? Well, we hate to be the bearer of bad news, but that childhood sentiment is a lie. Words don’t just hurt — words leave scars.

Where there are people, there will be conflict, and our innate reaction in the middle of an argument isn’t to build others up — it’s to “put them in their place.” Ephesians 4:29 is easier to apply to our relationships when everyone is on the up and up, but we’re quick to trade God’s truth for trash-talking when our hearts have been wounded. We say things that feel good in the moment, but leave us filled with regret later after we’ve walked into conflict armed with a bulldozer rather than a blueprint for healthy resolutions.

But conflict isn’t a bad thing. Let us repeat that: Conflict isn’t a bad thing! It’s actually a necessary thing! Where there is no conflict, there can be no growth. Even plants have to push through the dirt to grow. When handled in a healthy way, conflict is an opportunity to strengthen our relationships. It won’t always be comfortable — actually, it probably won’t ever be comfortable — but it will stretch you and grow you into a better leader.

That’s why great leaders don’t hide from hard conversations. They prepare for them. Before you engage in a difficult conversation, make sure you’ve done the following:

• Seek God. The person you’re talking with might not believe in God, but that doesn’t mean God isn’t present during the conversation. And what He wants you to do or say might be very different from what you want to do or say.
• Picture the ending you want. What’s the win of the conversation? Chances are the win isn’t both parties leaving wounded and angry, which means salty comments (as good as they may feel in the moment) won’t lead you to the ending you really want. The Bible says to “consider the paths of our feet,” and we would be wise to consider the paths our words will take us down too. How can you speak hard things in a gentle and loving way?
• Ask Questions. No one likes feeling attacked. Don’t assume you know why someone did what they did or said what they said. Instead of spitting accusations, ask questions. Lead with the statement, “Help me understand… ” And then prepare to be vulnerable when explaining your piece of the conflict.

We know these things don’t come naturally and they take a lot of practice. You won’t get this right every time, so give yourself grace along the way. But the next time you find yourself facing a difficult situation, remember that talking through hard things is training you to become a stronger leader!

Practical Step: Is there someone you’ve had a conflict with recently? Maybe you're struggling to understand them or one of you messed up and now there's a rip in your relationship. What steps can you take today to work through that conflict? If you need to have a conversation, what might that conversation look like? Or perhaps you’ve been avoiding a hard conversation you know needs to happen. How can you walk into that conversation this week ready with wisdom and God’s truth?