Us Against the World: Our Secrets to Love, Marriage, & FamilySýnishorn

COMMUNICATION 

Scripture: “Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone.” -Colossians 4:6 NIV

Devotional: Our marriage has only worked because we are committed to communicate in a way that honors one another and doesn’t diminish each other. Communication has been the binding force of our marriage, and when we communicate respectfully, it improves our intimacy, joy, and connection. 

When I think back on senseless arguments between David and me, I can’t help but ask myself, Was it worth it? Did I really need to raise my voice? What was lying beneath the surface of our frustration? We’ve had countless arguments over the years, and they have taught us seven lessons that we now consider as we practice better communication:

1.  Stick with the issue. When we use arguments as opportunities to bring up past issues, we can bruise our spouse with our words. Our goal is to never humiliate, embarrass, or belittle the other person. Instead, whenever we find ourselves in a heated conversation, we try to stick to the issue at hand and not bring up the past.

2.  Listen to understand. Don’t listen to respond. The goal of any argument is to listen to understand, not respond. If the other person is talking, we have to discipline ourselves to let them finish. This is much easier said than done, because we want to be understood first before we work to understand. But arguing with our spouse isn’t about being right. It’s about recognizing where we are wrong. Arguments are a gift, allowing us to see what frustrates and upsets our spouse, giving us an inside look into their heart. 

3.  Take a five-minute time-out when emotions get heated. When the water starts boiling, back away and take a break. Breathe, collect yourself, and then approach the situation differently. After we take time to cool off and think about how we are truly feeling, we can continue with the conversation and grow from the disagreement. 

4.  Never make the issue more important than the marriage. When we make our arguments more important than the marriage, we forget why we got married in the first place. A bad day doesn’t mean a bad marriage. 

5.  Never retire for the night angry with each other. The Bible encourages us with these words: “Do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger” (Ephesians 4:26). Some people need time to hit the reset button before they try to resolve things peaceably, so we have decided that at some point in the conversation, we agree to disagree right now—but we will continue in the morning. 

6.  Ask for help. When an issue becomes too difficult for you and your spouse to manage together, it’s okay to call on an objective third-party to help you figure things out. This ensures that both parties are heard and a resolve can be achieved. It is God’s will that your marriage prospers, and God is faithful to send help in the time of need. 

7.  Let it go. Sometimes the argument is over but the feelings remain. Forgiveness is not easy, but it is always worth it. Remember, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:32 NIV). If you’re willing to extend the same grace that God has extended to you, your marriage will flourish. 

WILL YOU PRAY WITH US? 

Dear God, thank you for the beauty and blessing of marriage. Thank you for walking with us through the good days and carrying us through the bad days. Help us remember the big picture. Forgive us if we ever used an argument to belittle or humiliate our spouse. Teach us how to be quick to listen and slow to speak. Help us to learn how to apologize when we’re wrong. We will remember that one bad day does not have to turn into a bad life. Strengthen us through hard conversations. Grant us peace during difficult seasons. We trust you to heal every hurting marriage right now. In Jesus’ name, amen. 

DISCUSSION QUESTIONS 

1.  When you argue, do you listen to respond?

2.  If a soft answer turns away wrath, how well do you do with speaking softly? What can you do to improve?

3.  Do you stick to the issue when you argue, or does the argument open up to other things? How can you rectify that today?