We’ve Got Issues
“Sex Issues (Part 1): The Patterns That Break Intimacy”
Carl Nichols

Romans 12:1–2
Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Most marriage intimacy problems are not physical problems, they are mindset problems.

QUESTION: If God designed intimacy to bring couples together, why does it divide so many marriages?

ANSWER: Couples often bring cultural patterns about sex into covenant marriages.

Cultural Patterns of this World…

The world has lied to us about sex.

Lie #1 — Sex is just physical.

Culture reduces sex to:
- Attraction
- Chemistry
- Pleasure

But scripture says it is spiritual bonding.

Genesis 2:24
The two shall become one flesh.

During sex the brain releases:
- Oxytocin (bonding hormone)
- Vasopressin (pair bonding)
- Dopamine (pleasure)

God literally designed sex to glue two people together.

Researchers have discovered that three powerful brain chemicals are involved in bonding. They are dopamine, oxytocin, and vasopressin. Dopamine creates pleasure, oxytocin builds emotional connection, and vasopressin strengthens attachment. Together they help form the deep bond between partners.

The only activity consistently shown to produce strong release of all three simultaneously is sexual intimacy with a bonded partner, particularly when orgasm occurs.

Lie #2 — Sex is about personal satisfaction.

1 Corinthians 7:3–5
The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Marriage intimacy is not about taking, it is about serving.

Lie #3 — Sex is driven by feelings.

Culture says: “If I’m not in the mood, I shouldn’t.”

But covenant love often creates feelings through action.

Love is often a decision before it becomes a feeling.

Sex and Intimacy Killers:
1. Unspoken expectations

Men often pursue intimacy to feel connected.

Women often need to feel connected to desire intimacy.

Without communication and healthy rhythms, he feels rejected and she feels pressured.

Sex and Intimacy Killers:
2. Resentment

Sex cannot thrive where bitterness lives.

Ephesians 4:31
Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.

Unresolved conflict silently kills intimacy.

Sex and Intimacy Killers:
3. Exhaustion

Ephesians 5:15-16
Be very careful, then, how you live, not as unwise but as wise, making the most of every opportunity, because the days are evil.

Sex and Intimacy Killers:
4. Pornography

Pornography redefines the purpose of sex.

Pornography trains the heart to disconnect intimacy from relationship.

Pornography rewires the brain.

Pornography separates sex from the soul.

Pornography turns covenant intimacy into consumer behavior.

Pornography teaches you to consume bodies instead of cherish a spouse.

Ephesians 4:25
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.

God designed sex to be relational, sacrificial, and unifying.

Pornography turns it into transactional, selfish, and isolating.

Most couples don’t lose intimacy because they stop loving each other. They lose intimacy because they stop pursuing each other.

This week your assignment is simple: Pursue your spouse.