Welcome to Waymaker Church! We are so excited to have you join us today! We exist to Encounter, Live for, and Advance the Kingdom of God!

This morning, we are jumping back into our Instafamily series. So far, we have looked at kingdom parenting, where we learned that kingdom parenting starts with you. God has placed you as a leader in the life of your child and you must model, show, and teach the way.

Last week, I shared that healthy dating requires discernment as you do not want to be unequally yoked with an unbeliever, patience because desperation is never a good starting point, and healthy boundaries.

The most important truth I shared last week in the message was this: Keep the main thing the main thing, and that is Jesus must be priority in your life. Your personal relationship with Him is the critical key to everything else.

Matthew 6:33 “But seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.”

Today, as we look at healthy marriage, I once again want to begin by sharing the same principle as last week. The initial step to a healthy marriage is to keep the main thing the main thing.

Our individual pursuit of Jesus through time spent in the word, worship, and prayer will have great impact on our marriage relationship. The word transforms us by teaching us how to love, how to be patient and kind, how to love others, how to be sacrificial, and so on.

God’s design and plan for marriage is one man and one woman in a mutually submissive relationship receiving great benefits from one another. There is God-given purpose in the marriage relationship.
It is intended to be permanent. Mark 10:7–9 “‘For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’; so then they are no longer two, but one flesh.

Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.”
Let me share a few thoughts on God’s purpose in marriage.
Procreation: Marriage is intended to multiply the human race and the image of God in the earth.

Malachi 2:15 “But did He not make them one, Having a remnant of the Spirit? And why one? He seeks godly offspring. “Therefore take heed to your spirit, And let none deal treacherously with the wife of his youth.”

The creation of a healthy home through a thriving marriage produces a safe environment for kids to grow and flourish. I saw an encouraging statistic recently that children being raised in two parent homes is the highest since 1990.

Holiness: God created marriage for the perfection of our character. It is in relationships that we learn to be unselfish and to be loving. And no relationship has a greater impact on your life than marriage, if you get married. Maturity and the purpose of life is to grow up and realize it’s not all about you.

Ephesians 5:22 “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:25 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her,”

A healthy marriage begins with healthy personal relationships with Jesus. The reality of any relationship is that unhealthy can’t produce healthy. God uses the marriage relationship to refine us. We may come in to the relationship unhealthy in areas, but we have the opportunity through Christ to pursue and become healthy.

Marriage is for the construction of society. Marriage is the fundamental building block of every community, church, state, nation, society and culture. If you know anything about history you know that where marriages are strong, cultures and nations are strong. You know that wherever marriages and families are weak, cultures and nations are in decline.

Lastly, marriage is a reflection of our union with Christ. Ephesians 5:25-32.

Ephesians 5:25–32 “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church. For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church.”

In a society that seems to see marriage as easily discardable, remember it is a covenant, not a contract. Contracts involve part of your life, covenant involves your whole life. Contracts have an expiration date, covenants are for life. Contracts are written in ink, covenants are written in blood. (Noah Gen. 9, Abram Gen. 12, 15, Moses Exo. 19-24, David 2 Sam. 7, New Covenant Jer. 3:1,)

The covenant of marriage also has a shedding of blood. (The hymen).

Now, let’s look at some practical areas of healthy marriage relationship.
Let’s look at what I will call the big four of marriage: Communication, Sex, Finances, and Expectations. When we counsel couples typically there is a breakdown in one or more of these area’s.

1. Communication.
Women tend to prioritize emotional connection and rapport-building through detailed sharing of feelings.

Men typically focus on problem solving and delivering direct information, sometimes neglecting the emotional aspect of a conversation.

Women may rely more on non-verbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice to convey emotions. Menmight miss these subtle signals.
Women may use more tentative language or ask questions to seek understanding, while Men can be more direct and assertive in communication.

The general principle about communication is that we need to do it effectively in marriage. You must learn your spouses communication style. Even though there are generalities for male and female communication, there is also nuance. Some process information rapidly while others may need time to reflect. Some prefer directness, while others shut down if you are direct.

The key is learning the best way to communicate, and create regular rhythms to to be consistent with it. Don’t wait until everything seems to be falling apart, or you are extra angry about something to communicate. Do it early and often to avoid the bigger issues.

Learn to share your feelings without attacking the other person. (Use phrases like I feel, not You always or You never.) One gives understanding about you, the other attacks them.

Seek to understand, not to respond. Proverbs 18:13 “He who answers a matter before he hears it, It is folly and shame to him.”

Be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. James 1:19.

2. Sex.

I said this last week, Sex is a gift that is to be enjoyed in the context of marriage. The devil does his best to push singles into sex before marriage and keep the married folks out of sex in their marriage.
Sex has purpose.

Procreation - Genesis 1:28 - Be fruitful and multiply.

Pleasure - Proverbs 5:18–19 “Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love.”

Protection - 1 Corinthians 7:2 “Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband.”

Sex is the superglue of a marriage. It is what binds together. The wrong sense is seen in 1 Corinthians 6:16 but the principle is revealed.
1 Corinthians 6:16 “Or do you not know that he who is joined to a harlot is one body with her? For “the two,” He says, “shall become one flesh.”

Sex in marriage is about serving, not selfishness. 1 Corinthians 7:3–4 “Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

Sex is a layer of intimacy, but it doesn’t necessarily begin in the bedroom. It begins in the kitchen, or living room, or other places because sex is not an act. It’s an intimate outflow of relationship.

3. Finances. Money is often the number one issue married couples fight about, and its the second leading cause for divorce behind infidelity. There is certainly a measure of tension that comes as you merge two lives together, but you must learn to navigate the tension.

A major issue I see in counseling when we deal with money is when couples have separate accounts vs. a joint account. The underlying tone is a sense of personal rights and autonomy vs. the two becoming one.

Make important financial decisions together. Set a budget to achieve goals and pay bills. The goal is financial freedom. Remember that debt adds unneeded stress to a relationship. Live within your means. There are always different personalities with money, like the saver vs. spender. Learn how to navigate the difference in healthy way.

(*Suggest Dave Ramsey as a resource)

4. Expectations: Clear expectations open the door to healthy marriage relationship. Expecting your spouse to be able to read your mind will lead to untold misunderstandings and arguments.

Don’t expect from your spouse what you fail to communicate.

Set realistic expectations. No one is perfect, and they can’t fulfill all of your needs. No one on earth will ever say or do everything right so give each other some grace. One of the greatest gifts you can give your spouse is to know yourself and how you feel loved, and then communicate it to them.

Keep the fire of your marriage burning. Fires die down when fuel is not added. Date your mate. If there would be more courting in our marriages, less of our marriages would be in courts. – Rick Warren

Learn to pursue each other. Don’t withhold yourself from your spouse. Passion is the result of chemistry before marriage, but after marriage it is a result of choices. If you have lost passion in your relationship it is likely that you have let pursuit dwindle.

Remember that you both change over time. You are not the same person today that they married. You continue to mature, gain experiences, go through trauma’s and tragedies in life, and each leave their mark on the individual.

Continue to pursue in order to keep the flame of romance burning. Practical pursuit looks like daily conversations, weekly intentional engagement, and annual getaways.

I want to finish with one final thought. Make sure you know the way your spouse feels loved.

Gary Chapman has a book entitled the five love languages. He identifies five ways people feel and receive love.

Words of Affirmation. Quality Time. Acts of Service. Physical Touch. Gifts.

Let me show you examples of these in my wife’s primary love language coffee.

Words of Affirmation (Your coffee is delicious), Quality Time (Let’s go for coffee), Acts of Service (I made you coffee), Physical Touch (Let me hold you like you hold your coffee), and Gifts (Here’s some coffee for you).

We have a tendency to love our spouse the way we feel loved. While the intent is good, they may not receive it the same way you do. Take the time to discover the ways they feel loved.