Freedom Church
9-1-24 Relationship Goals - Conflicts and Compromises
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https://www.freedomdl.com/phase1Sunday, September 1st
Message: Conflicts and Compromise
Series: Relationship Goals
Speaker: Jason John Cowart
Message: Conflicts and Compromise
Series: Relationship Goals
Speaker: Jason John Cowart
This is a new series called Relationship Goals.
With a series like this, I know you are probably thinking this is about marriage, but I want to encourage you not to check out because the maxims in this series will help in all your relationships, not just a marriage. We’re going to talk about marriage. We’re going to talk about friendships. We’re going to talk about colleagues and family and all sorts of relationships.
The truth is, every single person in here needs to make some tweaks in how they relate to other people so they can maximize the value of their relationships. At the end of the day, maximizing your relational value is the goal here.
Think about your current relationships. Do you want your relationship with your spouse to get better? Kids? Extended family? Friendships? Coworkers? With Jesus? Is there anyone in here who woke up this morning longing for your relationships to get worse?
We all want high value relationships. We want relationships to bring value and we want to add value. We want our relationships to grow and develop. We want to tap into the very best that our relationships can be. And this is a built in need, within us from the beginning.
Genesis 3:1-7
1 The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” 2 “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. 3 “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” 4 “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. 5 “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” 6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness.
This was the first time we ever felt the pain of a broken relationship.
There’s nothing like the pain that comes from a relationship breaking apart.
It is interesting that we will fight tooth and nail to stop this. We’ll even embrace toxic relationships just to keep us from being alone. (Not good btw). Everyone wants to have good relationships. It’s the goal.
So how can these relationships get better?
Over the month of September, we are going to talk through 5 tweaks that we can make to do just that.
This week we are talking about Conflict and Compromise.
With a series like this, I know you are probably thinking this is about marriage, but I want to encourage you not to check out because the maxims in this series will help in all your relationships, not just a marriage. We’re going to talk about marriage. We’re going to talk about friendships. We’re going to talk about colleagues and family and all sorts of relationships.
The truth is, every single person in here needs to make some tweaks in how they relate to other people so they can maximize the value of their relationships. At the end of the day, maximizing your relational value is the goal here.
Think about your current relationships. Do you want your relationship with your spouse to get better? Kids? Extended family? Friendships? Coworkers? With Jesus? Is there anyone in here who woke up this morning longing for your relationships to get worse?
We all want high value relationships. We want relationships to bring value and we want to add value. We want our relationships to grow and develop. We want to tap into the very best that our relationships can be. And this is a built in need, within us from the beginning.
Genesis 3:1-7
1 The serpent was the shrewdest of all the wild animals the Lord God had made. One day he asked the woman, “Did God really say you must not eat the fruit from any of the trees in the garden?” 2 “Of course we may eat fruit from the trees in the garden,” the woman replied. 3 “It’s only the fruit from the tree in the middle of the garden that we are not allowed to eat. God said, ‘You must not eat it or even touch it; if you do, you will die.’” 4 “You won’t die!” the serpent replied to the woman. 5 “God knows that your eyes will be opened as soon as you eat it, and you will be like God, knowing both good and evil.” 6 The woman was convinced. She saw that the tree was beautiful and its fruit looked delicious, and she wanted the wisdom it would give her. So she took some of the fruit and ate it. Then she gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it, too. 7 At that moment their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness.
This was the first time we ever felt the pain of a broken relationship.
There’s nothing like the pain that comes from a relationship breaking apart.
It is interesting that we will fight tooth and nail to stop this. We’ll even embrace toxic relationships just to keep us from being alone. (Not good btw). Everyone wants to have good relationships. It’s the goal.
So how can these relationships get better?
Over the month of September, we are going to talk through 5 tweaks that we can make to do just that.
This week we are talking about Conflict and Compromise.
Every relationship has conflict. Not all of them have compromise.
Let’s define these so we’re on the same page here.
Conflict: Conflict occurs on a personal or emotional level between two or more people and is often the result of personality clashes, negative emotional interactions, or differences of opinion.
We are not talking about physical altercations here. If someone either threatens or commits physical violence upon you, that is not ok and you need to get away from that person immediately and tell someone. We are talking about relational conflict here.
Compromise: Compromise is a way of reaching agreement in which each person gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute, often by combining the best points of each person’s argument to give opportunity for the good of the relationship.
We are not talking about a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason, or just capitulating to the other person’s viewpoint even when you disagree, but is simply about finding a balance and bridging the gap so both people feel heard, understood, and can agree on an effective solution.
Now that we have a level playing field in terms of definitions, if you want to see positive results in your relationships, here are some things to consider in relation to conflicts and compromise. And I want you to understand that this series is not a non-spiritual, self-help series. God Almighty cares about your relationships and wants them to be successful.
So how can we get better? When it comes to conflict, ask:
Let’s define these so we’re on the same page here.
Conflict: Conflict occurs on a personal or emotional level between two or more people and is often the result of personality clashes, negative emotional interactions, or differences of opinion.
We are not talking about physical altercations here. If someone either threatens or commits physical violence upon you, that is not ok and you need to get away from that person immediately and tell someone. We are talking about relational conflict here.
Compromise: Compromise is a way of reaching agreement in which each person gives up something that was wanted in order to end an argument or dispute, often by combining the best points of each person’s argument to give opportunity for the good of the relationship.
We are not talking about a change that makes something worse and that is not done for a good reason, or just capitulating to the other person’s viewpoint even when you disagree, but is simply about finding a balance and bridging the gap so both people feel heard, understood, and can agree on an effective solution.
Now that we have a level playing field in terms of definitions, if you want to see positive results in your relationships, here are some things to consider in relation to conflicts and compromise. And I want you to understand that this series is not a non-spiritual, self-help series. God Almighty cares about your relationships and wants them to be successful.
So how can we get better? When it comes to conflict, ask:
1. Is this a hill to die on?
What do I mean by this? Is the problem between you and that person so important that you are wiling to fight to the death over it? Not every single problem is a hill to die on.
Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
What is this verse saying? It is not saying there are no problems that require conflict. It is saying, however, you need to seek peace as far as you can, and it is saying you need to have the wisdom to decide what is worth compromising over and what is worth engaging in conflict.
We see this in a ton of Bible characters, including David and Jesus.
David and his brothers with Goliath.
1 Samuel 17:28-30
28 Now Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” 29 And David said, “What have I done now? Was it not but a word?”
Look at Eliab’s statements: You don’t belong here. You’re insignificant. You are evil to the core. Would those words get you ready to fight? Look at David’s response:
30 And he turned away from him toward another
David instantly realized this was not a hill to die on. A jealous brother was spouting dumb things just because David was chosen by Samuel and he wasn’t. What was the result? Eliab’s bait wasn’t bitten and David could move forward with his purpose.
If David would have died on the hill of conflict with his brother he would have never defeated the giant in the valley.
Jesus and the Pharisees.
Most times Jesus just moved on, ignored them, or gave them a simple one line response, but at other times, Jesus would go to war. In Matthew 23, Jesus was specifically dying on the hill of how the Pharisees burdened the people with religious law that was not from God.
Matthew 23:13-15
woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. 15 Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.
In one situation, the David is walking away in compromise. Eliab gets to run his mouth and David refuses to engage. In another situation, Jesus releases the hounds of war.
How do you decide when to fight and when to make peace?
Purpose is what determines if it is a hill to die on or not.
David had a bigger purpose than a fight with his brother. Jesus had a bigger purpose than letting the Pharisees get away with spiritual murder. And you have a bigger purpose than insignificant issues that stir up your flesh but hurt your spirit.
You can’t die on every hill. Some of us are so busy dying on hills that we are incapable of conquering the mountain God’s called us to overcome.
What do I mean by this? Is the problem between you and that person so important that you are wiling to fight to the death over it? Not every single problem is a hill to die on.
Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
What is this verse saying? It is not saying there are no problems that require conflict. It is saying, however, you need to seek peace as far as you can, and it is saying you need to have the wisdom to decide what is worth compromising over and what is worth engaging in conflict.
We see this in a ton of Bible characters, including David and Jesus.
David and his brothers with Goliath.
1 Samuel 17:28-30
28 Now Eliab his eldest brother heard when he spoke to the men. And Eliab's anger was kindled against David, and he said, “Why have you come down? And with whom have you left those few sheep in the wilderness? I know your presumption and the evil of your heart, for you have come down to see the battle.” 29 And David said, “What have I done now? Was it not but a word?”
Look at Eliab’s statements: You don’t belong here. You’re insignificant. You are evil to the core. Would those words get you ready to fight? Look at David’s response:
30 And he turned away from him toward another
David instantly realized this was not a hill to die on. A jealous brother was spouting dumb things just because David was chosen by Samuel and he wasn’t. What was the result? Eliab’s bait wasn’t bitten and David could move forward with his purpose.
If David would have died on the hill of conflict with his brother he would have never defeated the giant in the valley.
Jesus and the Pharisees.
Most times Jesus just moved on, ignored them, or gave them a simple one line response, but at other times, Jesus would go to war. In Matthew 23, Jesus was specifically dying on the hill of how the Pharisees burdened the people with religious law that was not from God.
Matthew 23:13-15
woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you shut the kingdom of heaven in people's faces. For you neither enter yourselves nor allow those who would enter to go in. 15 Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you travel across sea and land to make a single proselyte, and when he becomes a proselyte, you make him twice as much a child of hell as yourselves.
In one situation, the David is walking away in compromise. Eliab gets to run his mouth and David refuses to engage. In another situation, Jesus releases the hounds of war.
How do you decide when to fight and when to make peace?
Purpose is what determines if it is a hill to die on or not.
David had a bigger purpose than a fight with his brother. Jesus had a bigger purpose than letting the Pharisees get away with spiritual murder. And you have a bigger purpose than insignificant issues that stir up your flesh but hurt your spirit.
You can’t die on every hill. Some of us are so busy dying on hills that we are incapable of conquering the mountain God’s called us to overcome.
2. Purpose determines whether you conflict or compromise
There are times when conflict is inevitable. There are times when compromise is what is necessary. How do you choose?
Let’s say Monique is having a bad day and she makes a comment to me that is curt. I have a choice: make peace, or make WAR. My flesh begins to list all of her issues and errors and justifies a mean response. My spirit focuses on our purpose.
What does that mean?
First, there is the reason behind the action (why she responded that way), but second, there is a reason for us (why God has us together in the first place).
I know my wife loves me and I love her, so if there is a moment of frustration where she says something that forces me to choose, I start from the position that I know she loves me and wants to be in this relationship. I can’t do that, however, if I am wrapped up in the emotion of the problem. I have to look to purpose, not the problem.
So why is she trippin? Does she hate me, or…is she
…stressed and over-extended
…tired from carting kids all over the place all day
…feeling pressure of having to manage medical issues with Viv
…overwhelmed from trying to keep the house manageably clean
…maybe even exhausted from not sleeping well the night before
Is she wrong for being curt, sure, but our purpose is bigger than our problem. A snarky little comment isn’t a hill to die on.
If you want to be successful in learning when to compromise or have conflict, you have to be willing to look past the problem to see the purpose.
Satan wants you to overlook what you know so you can compromise
and instead embrace what you feel so you can fight. When we let feelings lead, it is easier to have conflict. When we let our spirit lead, it is easier to compromise. And when we focus on the problem, it gets bigger.
But when we focus on purpose - not just why she did this or that, but also why God has us together in the first place - it makes compromise easier and conflict less appealing.
I want to hang on that phrase for one more moment: “Why God has us together in the first place.” Even if you and your spouse met in a bar when you were far from God, don’t think that it means God doesn’t have a plan and purpose for you. Even if you aren’t married, there are friendships in your life right now, just like with us married folks, that have God’s purpose all over them.
It was more than just two kids who fell in love for Monique and I. More than just having Vivi, Will, and Audrey. It was more than the fact God knew my heart needed her and that she needed me. God had a purpose for us that included all these things, including planting this church. You are right now receiving the benefit of God’s purpose for our lives!
This is why you need godly relationships! You are blessed to be a blessing!
Genesis 12:2 I will bless you and you shall be a blessing!
And THIS IS WHY the enemy wants you wrapped in conflict and ignoring compromise!
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
Marriages die in division. Friendships die in division. If that is the case, then doesn’t it make sense that the enemy wants you to get hung up on little things that destroy your relationships? “Well, preacher, the thing for us wasn’t little. It was huge.” I understand that, but are you fighting to save your relationship as hard as the enemy is fighting to destroy it?
Division is just two visions. Two visions means two paths.
Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?
That is the vision for your relationship? If you are married, think of your spouse. If not, think of that person in your life who God placed there to help you become what God wants you to be. The vision is the overarching values that determine your direction.
Have you outlined the vision for your relationships? This is great for close friendships, but it is essential for marriages.
There are times when conflict is inevitable. There are times when compromise is what is necessary. How do you choose?
Let’s say Monique is having a bad day and she makes a comment to me that is curt. I have a choice: make peace, or make WAR. My flesh begins to list all of her issues and errors and justifies a mean response. My spirit focuses on our purpose.
What does that mean?
First, there is the reason behind the action (why she responded that way), but second, there is a reason for us (why God has us together in the first place).
I know my wife loves me and I love her, so if there is a moment of frustration where she says something that forces me to choose, I start from the position that I know she loves me and wants to be in this relationship. I can’t do that, however, if I am wrapped up in the emotion of the problem. I have to look to purpose, not the problem.
So why is she trippin? Does she hate me, or…is she
…stressed and over-extended
…tired from carting kids all over the place all day
…feeling pressure of having to manage medical issues with Viv
…overwhelmed from trying to keep the house manageably clean
…maybe even exhausted from not sleeping well the night before
Is she wrong for being curt, sure, but our purpose is bigger than our problem. A snarky little comment isn’t a hill to die on.
If you want to be successful in learning when to compromise or have conflict, you have to be willing to look past the problem to see the purpose.
Satan wants you to overlook what you know so you can compromise
and instead embrace what you feel so you can fight. When we let feelings lead, it is easier to have conflict. When we let our spirit lead, it is easier to compromise. And when we focus on the problem, it gets bigger.
But when we focus on purpose - not just why she did this or that, but also why God has us together in the first place - it makes compromise easier and conflict less appealing.
I want to hang on that phrase for one more moment: “Why God has us together in the first place.” Even if you and your spouse met in a bar when you were far from God, don’t think that it means God doesn’t have a plan and purpose for you. Even if you aren’t married, there are friendships in your life right now, just like with us married folks, that have God’s purpose all over them.
It was more than just two kids who fell in love for Monique and I. More than just having Vivi, Will, and Audrey. It was more than the fact God knew my heart needed her and that she needed me. God had a purpose for us that included all these things, including planting this church. You are right now receiving the benefit of God’s purpose for our lives!
This is why you need godly relationships! You are blessed to be a blessing!
Genesis 12:2 I will bless you and you shall be a blessing!
And THIS IS WHY the enemy wants you wrapped in conflict and ignoring compromise!
Mark 3:25
If a house is divided against itself, that house cannot stand.
Marriages die in division. Friendships die in division. If that is the case, then doesn’t it make sense that the enemy wants you to get hung up on little things that destroy your relationships? “Well, preacher, the thing for us wasn’t little. It was huge.” I understand that, but are you fighting to save your relationship as hard as the enemy is fighting to destroy it?
Division is just two visions. Two visions means two paths.
Amos 3:3 How can two walk together unless they agree?
That is the vision for your relationship? If you are married, think of your spouse. If not, think of that person in your life who God placed there to help you become what God wants you to be. The vision is the overarching values that determine your direction.
Have you outlined the vision for your relationships? This is great for close friendships, but it is essential for marriages.
Are you on the same page when it comes to the vision and purpose for your family? What are your familial core values? If you don’t have those then how can you determine when it is time for conflict or compromise?
Proverbs 29:18 Without a vision the people perish.
The verse actually says "cast off restraint.” The word in Hebrew means to let go, let loose, neglect, and/or uncover. That sounds like a relationship falling apart…
You need a vision for your family. If you don’t have a vision for your family you won’t have anything meaningful to look at rather than your problem with the other person. Just like a plan keeps you on track, a vision keeps you focusing on the right things.
No matter how big or small the issue between Monique and I, we have a vision for our family, our lives, that gives us a framework upon which we function. God is at the top. We are going to be unified, not just to the outside world, but in how we run our household and make decisions. We value honesty and authenticity. We expect you toggle your very best effort.
So no matter how serious the issue, we have something that focuses our attention on the purpose behind who we are and what we do, and that directs how we respond.
Side note: Never underestimate that power of having a framework.
When our kids were young, we would do a “Daily Declaration” we’d recite on the way to school.
"Today will be a great day.
I will honor God with what I do and say.
I will be obedient and respectful.
I will do the right thing no matter what.
I will be full of joy trusting in Jesus my Lord.
I will be empowered by the Holy Spirit
to live the life God has called me to live.
I will love God & others as he has loved me.
I will fulfill my purpose which begins
with what I choose to do today.
This is my declaration!"
This gave my kids a framework by which to live their lives, making clear the expectations we had of them. It helped them steer clear of problems by focusing on purpose. It was vision.
I know the idea of coming up with a vision for your family might sound intimidating, but it is so important that you identify those values that will direct your actions. Satan wants you fighting the wrong enemy, and if purpose and values are ambiguous, fighting the wrong enemy is all you’ll ever know.
At Freedom, our values are:
Jesus is our Message, People are the Priority, Development is our Focus,
Unity is our Pursuit, Team is our Structure, Excellence is our Standard,
Generosity is our Privilege
What values are most important to our relationship?
Do this with your marriage, your friendships, etc.
This is important because God has a plan for your relationships.
Do you know that plan yet?
What plan does God have for your family and relationships to impact the kingdom? If it’s just to be happy and raise some kids and have good friends, I might suggest there is more to your relationships that that. Don’t die on such a little hill. There’s a mountain to overcome out there with your name on it!
Proverbs 29:18 Without a vision the people perish.
The verse actually says "cast off restraint.” The word in Hebrew means to let go, let loose, neglect, and/or uncover. That sounds like a relationship falling apart…
You need a vision for your family. If you don’t have a vision for your family you won’t have anything meaningful to look at rather than your problem with the other person. Just like a plan keeps you on track, a vision keeps you focusing on the right things.
No matter how big or small the issue between Monique and I, we have a vision for our family, our lives, that gives us a framework upon which we function. God is at the top. We are going to be unified, not just to the outside world, but in how we run our household and make decisions. We value honesty and authenticity. We expect you toggle your very best effort.
So no matter how serious the issue, we have something that focuses our attention on the purpose behind who we are and what we do, and that directs how we respond.
Side note: Never underestimate that power of having a framework.
When our kids were young, we would do a “Daily Declaration” we’d recite on the way to school.
"Today will be a great day.
I will honor God with what I do and say.
I will be obedient and respectful.
I will do the right thing no matter what.
I will be full of joy trusting in Jesus my Lord.
I will be empowered by the Holy Spirit
to live the life God has called me to live.
I will love God & others as he has loved me.
I will fulfill my purpose which begins
with what I choose to do today.
This is my declaration!"
This gave my kids a framework by which to live their lives, making clear the expectations we had of them. It helped them steer clear of problems by focusing on purpose. It was vision.
I know the idea of coming up with a vision for your family might sound intimidating, but it is so important that you identify those values that will direct your actions. Satan wants you fighting the wrong enemy, and if purpose and values are ambiguous, fighting the wrong enemy is all you’ll ever know.
At Freedom, our values are:
Jesus is our Message, People are the Priority, Development is our Focus,
Unity is our Pursuit, Team is our Structure, Excellence is our Standard,
Generosity is our Privilege
What values are most important to our relationship?
Do this with your marriage, your friendships, etc.
This is important because God has a plan for your relationships.
Do you know that plan yet?
What plan does God have for your family and relationships to impact the kingdom? If it’s just to be happy and raise some kids and have good friends, I might suggest there is more to your relationships that that. Don’t die on such a little hill. There’s a mountain to overcome out there with your name on it!
3. Learn how to have healthy conflict
Sometimes you can compromise. Sometimes you have to have conflict.
So let me give you some ground rules for healthy conflict in the remaining time we have.
Compromise
Remember, this is not just letting someone do whatever they want. It isn’t, “Fine. Whatever. Who cares.” either.
Compromise is when both parties choose to let go of something so that peace can happen. It isn’t about being right. It isn't about winning.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
If you are more concerned with being right and winning, I’d challenge how well you love. You can’t have successful relationships where you are more important than the other person is. “Wrong, preacher. I have to look out for me first.” That mindset is direct contradiction to what the Bible teaches us.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Selfish people have bad relationships.
Compromise also isn’t just sweeping it under the rug and forgetting about it. Compromise is actually the natural result of healthy conflict.
Healthy conflict. We don’t often think about conflict being healthy. We try to avoid conflict, but is that what the Bible teaches?
Matthew 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
The Bible is not telling you to avoid conflict, but to handle it in a godly, healthy fashion. A couple more verses:
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ephesians 4:26
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
Conflict is not something to avoid. When it is healthy, good things result.
When you have conflict in your relationships, how does it normally go?
- Typically, something happens and you get frustrated.
- Frustration turns to anger. Anger turns to either rage or silence.
- Rage or silence snuffs out communication.
- The thing that made you frustrated is now clouded in the results of emotional, angry responses, and is either resolved after the reaction is addressed, not resolved, or worse, reserved for ammo in the next conflict.
Why do we respond like this?
James 4:1-4
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
How does the world do things?
In one word: lawlessness. That is what war looks like. Galatians 5 tells us things like idolatry, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy are how the flesh does things. Let’s not sugar coat it: we feel these when we are in fleshly conflict. Even worse, we do them when we are in fleshly conflict. Fleshly conflict always leads to lawless wars.
So how do we have healthy conflict then?
What did God do when we were in conflict with him?
Romans 5:8
God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
You have to lead with love.
You have to love that person more than you hate what they did. You have to love who God is trying to help them become more than you hate who they have been.
You have to treat people like you want to be treated.
Matthew 7:12
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.
I know you know this, but if we actually did this, our relationships would have an instant boost in quality and godliness.
You have to be led well.
Galatians 5:16
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
How would your relationships change if rather that lunging into conflict, you allowed yourself some time to ask the Holy Spirit to lead you?
2 Thessalonians 2:6
For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work. Only he who now restrains it will do so until he is out of the way.
The Holy Spirit is restraining lawlessness in the earth. He can do the same in your relationships, too. But he cannot help with what you are unwilling to give to him.
Sometimes you can compromise. Sometimes you have to have conflict.
So let me give you some ground rules for healthy conflict in the remaining time we have.
Compromise
Remember, this is not just letting someone do whatever they want. It isn’t, “Fine. Whatever. Who cares.” either.
Compromise is when both parties choose to let go of something so that peace can happen. It isn’t about being right. It isn't about winning.
1 Corinthians 13:4-7
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. 6 It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. 7 Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.
If you are more concerned with being right and winning, I’d challenge how well you love. You can’t have successful relationships where you are more important than the other person is. “Wrong, preacher. I have to look out for me first.” That mindset is direct contradiction to what the Bible teaches us.
Philippians 2:3
Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves.
Selfish people have bad relationships.
Compromise also isn’t just sweeping it under the rug and forgetting about it. Compromise is actually the natural result of healthy conflict.
Healthy conflict. We don’t often think about conflict being healthy. We try to avoid conflict, but is that what the Bible teaches?
Matthew 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
Colossians 3:13
Bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.
The Bible is not telling you to avoid conflict, but to handle it in a godly, healthy fashion. A couple more verses:
Proverbs 15:1
A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Ephesians 4:26
Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,
Conflict is not something to avoid. When it is healthy, good things result.
When you have conflict in your relationships, how does it normally go?
- Typically, something happens and you get frustrated.
- Frustration turns to anger. Anger turns to either rage or silence.
- Rage or silence snuffs out communication.
- The thing that made you frustrated is now clouded in the results of emotional, angry responses, and is either resolved after the reaction is addressed, not resolved, or worse, reserved for ammo in the next conflict.
Why do we respond like this?
James 4:1-4
1 What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this, that your passions are at war within you? 2 You desire and do not have, so you murder. You covet and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel. You do not have, because you do not ask. 3 You ask and do not receive, because you ask wrongly, to spend it on your passions. 4 You adulterous people! Do you not know that friendship with the world is enmity with God? Therefore whoever wishes to be a friend of the world makes himself an enemy of God.
How does the world do things?
In one word: lawlessness. That is what war looks like. Galatians 5 tells us things like idolatry, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, divisions, envy are how the flesh does things. Let’s not sugar coat it: we feel these when we are in fleshly conflict. Even worse, we do them when we are in fleshly conflict. Fleshly conflict always leads to lawless wars.
So how do we have healthy conflict then?
What did God do when we were in conflict with him?
Romans 5:8
God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
You have to lead with love.
You have to love that person more than you hate what they did. You have to love who God is trying to help them become more than you hate who they have been.
You have to treat people like you want to be treated.
Matthew 7:12
Do to others whatever you would like them to do to you.
I know you know this, but if we actually did this, our relationships would have an instant boost in quality and godliness.
You have to be led well.
Galatians 5:16
But I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.
How would your relationships change if rather that lunging into conflict, you allowed yourself some time to ask the Holy Spirit to lead you?
2 Thessalonians 2:6
For the mystery of lawlessness is already at work. Only he who now restrains it will do so until he is out of the way.
The Holy Spirit is restraining lawlessness in the earth. He can do the same in your relationships, too. But he cannot help with what you are unwilling to give to him.
We could talk so much more about this topic but this is where we need to end today.
If you were to look at your most important relationship (other than God), if you are married, it is your spouse, if not, a friend, family member, etc. would you describe that relationship as being more in conflict or do you effectively compromise?
Do you have healthy conflict, or is there lawlessness in your relationship?
Before, I read Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Sometimes peace isn’t possible (and that is when you need a third party to help), but the most impactful part of this verse is not that, but that as it depends on you. You cannot control what other people do, but you have full control over how you respond. My hope for you today is that you realize you don’t have to go into gladiator mode when conflict comes, because it WILL come.
What is something the Holy Spirit is asking you to do right now so that you can have healthy conflict that creates positive growth in your relationships?
If you were to look at your most important relationship (other than God), if you are married, it is your spouse, if not, a friend, family member, etc. would you describe that relationship as being more in conflict or do you effectively compromise?
Do you have healthy conflict, or is there lawlessness in your relationship?
Before, I read Romans 12:18
If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
Sometimes peace isn’t possible (and that is when you need a third party to help), but the most impactful part of this verse is not that, but that as it depends on you. You cannot control what other people do, but you have full control over how you respond. My hope for you today is that you realize you don’t have to go into gladiator mode when conflict comes, because it WILL come.
What is something the Holy Spirit is asking you to do right now so that you can have healthy conflict that creates positive growth in your relationships?
What is the Holy Spirit saying to you through this message?
How does he want you to respond?
How does he want you to respond?