I moved from the city of Atlanta, Ga back to my small, rural hometown in 2013. This was most definitely a God move. And part of what prompted it was that I would get to support and help raise my nephew.

He was about to enter middle school. And I wanted to guide him through such a transformative period of life. I knew that it was a crazy time. But I thought it should be easy with him being older AND approaching his teen years.

Okay, if you have a pre-teen or teen, raised a teen, OR work with this age group, now is the time for us all to collectively laugh at my complete and total ignorance.

Y’all I was not prepared. Please tell me I wasn’t alone in struggling through the teen years. Please.

There was so much I truly did not know or understand. At the time all I knew was how tough middle school was for me. It was the most awkward, strange and weird phase of my life. I understood stuff like puberty and bullies. But I figured that since I’d survived my teenage years first-hand, I could help him do the same.

He wasn’t a baby so he could dress and feed himself, right?

Well, I didn’t realize that teen boys ate jars and gallons of milk on a seemingly weekly basis. I didn’t know about new math. Or how there are a gazillion activities and opportunities to serve as chauffer.

I also didn’t fully understand the physiological changes that occur during this period of life. Boys tend to experience a major growth spurt between the ages of 12 and 15. Sure I noticed the deepening voice and the couple of curls on the chin but more was happening that I could not see.

One night my nephew awoke saying he couldn’t sleep because his legs hurt. We gave him a pain reliever and he seemed okay in the morning. But then the next night it happened again. It hurt me to see him hurting so terribly. I did all of the googling to see if I could figure out what could be wrong — because of course the internet can diagnose any problem.

Well we ended up taking him to the ER. And when the doctor delivered the diagnosis, I sarcastically responded, “Wait, What? Growing pains?”

Yep, Growing pains. Like the TV show? So I’d heard of growing pains but I didn’t think that it was this severe. I don’t know why but I assumed it was just some phrase people threw out there. But for my nephew…it was very real. He said that it felt like someone was squeezing his bones, grinding them together. The pressure wasn’t just uncomfortable, it created pain like nothing he’d ever experienced.

Now if you try to dig a little into growing pains, you’ll see that medical experts don’t always agree on what causes them. Many of my go-to health websites listed the cause as unknown. Well, I wanted to know. I NEEDED to know what caused the pain so that I could stop it and make sure it never happened again.

Because that’s what we do with pain. Am I right?

When we feel pain, our goal is to stop it. Or hide it. Maybe bury it. Do anything to get as far away as possible from it.

In 2020, I believe that we as a people, as a community, as a country, as a world experienced a generations-changing event. For the first time in my lifetime, all over the world, we were going through the same things. It didn’t matter about your culture, creed, or religion, it didn’t matter if you were wealthy or poor, we were all in it.

The combination of a global pandemic, civil unrest, a racial reckoning, economic crisis — just all of our tried and true institutions were under pressure. Extreme pressure. So much disruption and disinformation invaded all of our lives. And we felt it all — the stress, frustration, grief. The pain.

While various people, organizations, and countries, states, and cities had a variety of responses…Underlying those actions, I believe we all just wished for the aches and pains to stop. Just stop. This doesn’t feel good. This doesn’t feel right.

But in the midst of that extraordinary pressure and pain, you and I experienced exponential growth. It may not be obvious yet…but it happened. Our world has changed. Our country, our communities, our churches have changed. You and I have changed.

We watched as companies who claimed certain things to be impossible were suddenly able to figure out more flexible work-from-home solutions. Businesses or folks who weren’t tech savvy figured out how to not only use digital tools but to actually thrive thanks to these resources.

We abandoned rituals and beliefs that we’d come to accept as normal that were actually quite abnormal and contrary to our faith.

There were people — and I’m talking about you, me, friends, family members, and fellow church members — who had been sitting on gifts and ideas for years. But it wasn’t until we were actually forced to sit down physically that we began to rediscover our fire, our passions and our talent.

Yes we lost a lot — people and practices that we loved so much. It hurt tremendously. Life was — and continues to be — uncomfortable and uncertain.
BUT…under pressure, somehow we are figuring the stuff out.

Much like my nephew, we experienced growing pains — rapid growth that sometimes made us feel like we were being crushed. We don’t even fully understand the cause but we know the pain is real. So very real.

You know, all throughout his letters in the New Testament, Paul likens the church to a physical body. Metaphors like this help us to better understand how core Christian concepts work in real, everyday life. And we all have a body so this symbol for how the church of God should operate should be easy to grasp.

In Ephesians, Paul explores what it means to be in Christ. It’s a pretty radical idea. It is a short but impactful and I encourage you to read it in its entirety to get the scope. Paul captures what it means to be a Christian — to believe in and follow a risen savior and live like it…together.

And ya’ll know I’m a writer, so I am very particular about wording. And while we label ourselves “Christians,” I prefer the term in Christ because it denotes a certain relationship and standard. A process.

One particular line caught my attention as I reflected on this season mixed with pain and growth:

Paul talks about what I consider is how Christ makes the whole body fit together perfectly. As each part does its own special work, it helps the other parts grow, so that the whole body is healthy and growing and full of love.

Makes sense right? Sounds pretty good? He paints this picture of a fully, mature body stitched together in love, headed by Christ. Moving along like it was divinely designed. Your growth helps me grow and vice versa. This picture of unity within the body of Christ is the goal.

Let me ask a question: are we there yet? Are we getting there? Do you believe it’s possible to get there? To this place of full union with God and united together as one.

Paul did – and we can glean a lot from this letter that we can apply to our body today.

Now, the idea of unity isn’t to be mistaken for uniform. It doesn’t mean we have to all be the same. In fact the power is in how God brings together the differences.

I think that trips us up sometimes because it’s uncomfortable when we’re around people who don’t think, look or act like us. It’s easier to cast them as an evil villain than a brother or sister who you need whether you agree with their life choices or not. Whether we’ve experienced the same trauma or challenges as they have, it takes a fellow “body part” to have empathy and love to say, “I don’t know what that’s like, but I’m here for you” instead of attack mode or defending your point of view. It’s choosing to connect instead of disconnect because that particular ailment doesn’t affect you directly.

You want to know something that’s painful, particularly in both the human body and the church body? Disconnects. Or the proper medical term is a dislocation.

The Mayo Clinic defines a dislocation as an injury to a joint — a place where two or more bones come together — in which the ends of your bones are forced from their normal positions. This painful injury temporarily deforms and immobilizes your joint.

It causes intense pain. It doesn’t look right – your body part looks out of place. And you can’t move it.

I could say the very same thing about a church body that’s disconnected or experiencing dislocations in their joints.

Want to talk about church hurt and the more than 20% decline in church membership. In 2020, for the first time in 8 decades, the number of Americans who say they belong to a church, synagogue or mosque – so this isn’t just Christians either – dropped below 50%. Today that number is 47%. In 1999 that number was 70%. People are disconnected from what we developed as the primary space to grow as a body now more than ever. I have atheist, agnostic and spiritually confused friends. Let me tell you, that’s painful to hear their experiences that oftentimes boils down to a lack of love, grace and Christ-centered congregations.

Want to take a deeper look at why the image that comes to most folks’ minds when they hear Christian is someone yelling and arguing over rules or adjectives like being hypocritical and judgmental, instead of showcasing the love Jesus said they’d know his disciples by in John 13:35. We look…deformed and out of place because our words and what we say believe don’t match up with our actions.

And last but certainly not least, we are not making the progress we’re aiming for. We are often – individually and collectively – stuck. In old rituals, habits, beliefs. Martin Luther King Jr. said that 11 o clock on Sunday morning is the most segregated hour in Christian America – still true, over 50 years later.

Y’all we are not together. And 2020 proved it on many, many fronts.

Listen I’ve been in church all my life and can now admit I’m pretty naive or overly optimistic about things. Last year and even the past decade or so has been a reality check for me. When I read about Paul and others warning us about false teaching and preaching, the proliferation of lies and just all this crazy stuff, I was so naïve to say aloud: No Christian will fall for that. No way!

Way way. So in so many ways that friction, that discomfort, that pain that we have been feeling for a while, but tried to ignore it’s a symptom of the dislocations in our body.

This gets at my question of how we get there…to unity. I think we can start by looking at our pain. Instead of working so hard at stopping it or removing discomfort all together, let’s pause and consider: what is my pain trying to tell me?

Pain points us in a direction — toward something we need to heal, restore or even build. That’s why I like using the term pain points — we are all dealing with stuff that if we’re only paying attention to the surface, to what everybody else is saying, we’ll miss the opportunity to grow closer to God and each other.

In this season where it feels like we are hard pressed on every side, we have to dig deep. We have to identify what those pain points are and address them head on so that we can fulfill God’s will.

While we’re often taught to cope with pain by getting rid of it, pain just might give us a path to purpose. That’s what makes Romans 8:28 such a relevant and powerful verse — it reminds us that God brings all things together for our good. Even our pain. Especially our pain.

In frustration and devastation, he fills us with hope and peace that doesn’t even make sense. Through grief, he reveals himself as a comforter. In confusion, he shows up with wise counsel. In moments of weakness, he holds us up with his strength. All of these aspects of God are available to us right here, right now. And it is through these points of pain that we experience true growth.

This isn’t the time for us to grow weary, but to grow up in Christ.

When we take a look at growing pains there are three areas that I believe are critically important for us to get right if we want to achieve the unity that Paul writes about. We have to make sure we have the right perception, the right priorities, and the right purpose.

Our Perception. Priorities. Purpose.

I’m sure you’ve heard the saying, “perception is reality.” It gets at the idea that the things that we imagine or how we perceive life ultimately becomes our reality. Our ego and pride love to manipulate our perceptions. We perceive others as a danger to us or we judge them based on what we think is right or stereotypes we’ve been taught.

Perception isn’t real, but it feels close enough that we cling to it. If your perception is off or based on a worldly standard you may have pain points of fear, judgement, or low-self esteem. God may prompt you to do something, but you perceive it to be too challenging or maybe even less than you deserve, and so you don’t do it. So you experience the pain point of disobedience.

You may base a lot of your decisions on what you see. Your opinion is formed from so many external sources — television, social media, your parents — that you have yet to really establish what YOU truly believe.

Can I share an example with you to showcase the danger of bad perceptions?

In Numbers 13, Moses sent twelve men to spy in Canaan — God’s promised land. He asked that they bring back a good report. Upon their return, they confirmed that the land flowed with milk and honey, just like God said. But only two, Joshua and Caleb, were confident that they could prevail, and secure the land. The others delivered an alarming report about the inhabitants.

According to them in verse 33, they saw giants and “Next to them we felt like grasshoppers, and that’s what they thought, too!” Interesting. How did they know that’s what the inhabitants thought of them?

The ESV translation put it this way: “…we seemed to ourselves like grasshoppers, and so we seemed to them.”

When your perception is off and you view yourself negatively, it throws everything off. You distort yourself and others. You will project your own fearful thoughts onto others. A person may never say a word to you, but you’ll claim, “They think I’m stupid.” And you will internalize this belief, then act like this person views you as dumb. The conclusions you draw change your conduct, not the actions of the other person.

The men’s description and presumption only stirred up fear and complaint among the people who were ready to possess the land God promised them. It ignited unbelief that disconnected them from God and their fate.

Despite witnessing proof of God’s promises and power, they only could perceive what would prevent a victory.

How have we allowed a wrong perception to keep us from connecting with others simply because they looked differently? Or talked funny? We presume there’s no way we could even relate to them so we stick to our own tribes and circles.

So we have to have to the right perception.

We also need the right priorities. One thing 2020 did for us all is helped us clean up our schedule. Everything was cancelled — and while I wish I could have seen some things like my nephew’s graduation from high school, I welcomed the shift. Before then I was busy, busy, busy. Overscheduled and overwhelmed. These my friend were pain points that should have clued me in that I was not doing a good job of prioritizing.

Sure, I could quote Matthew 6:33 but the reality was I often treated the kingdom of God as optional to the personal kingdom I’d built. The one where I was the head, not Christ. The one where I was in control of circumstances and attempting to keep others in line.

When you don’t have the right priorities you’ll find yourself engaging in people pleasing and getting caught up pursuing the next best thing instead of being grateful for what you have.

And listen, it’s not all about doing bad stuff, an activity may fall in line with being a ‘good Christian’ and feel good, but if it’s not what God has called you to do, it could be a distraction from your purpose. It could wear you out well before your real work even begins.

We have to put God things first.

You cannot say yes all the time. Learning to say no is the answer to relieving the anxiety, stress and pain that comes with trying to be everywhere for everybody.

Last but not least, we have to have the right purpose. So we start with the right perception that helps us to establish the right priorities which enable us to fulfill God’s purpose.

Paul walks us through this list of roles and gifts that help us to reach this ultimate state of maturity and oneness: In the Passion Translation of Ephesians 4:11-13, he says: And he has appointed some with grace to be apostles, and some with grace to be prophets, and some with grace to be evangelists,[a] and some with grace to be pastors,[b] and some with grace to be teachers.[c] 12 And their calling is to nurture and prepare all the holy believers to do their own works of ministry, and as they do this they will enlarge and build up the body of Christ. 13 These grace ministries will function until we all attain oneness into the faith, until we all experience the fullness of what it means to know the Son of God,[d] and finally we become one into a perfect man[e] with the full dimensions of spiritual maturity and fully developed into the abundance of Christ.

Y’all our purpose is to build up the kingdom of God…together. This is how we grow up. This is how we go from growing pains to grownups. When you’re off purpose or don’t have the right one in mind, you will experience the pain of comparison — coveting someone else’s skill. You might feel insignificant or powerless.

The way forward it to simply be who God created us to be. He gave us all unique gifts to bring to the table. When we all show up, ready to do what we are each designed to do, that’s when miracles happen. That’s when God’s glory shines!

And that’s my prayer for us today. That we are able to have the right perception, the right priorities and serve the right purpose so that we can be truly united. If you feel a little prick, ache or sharp pain when you see certain things happening in our world, there’s a reason for the pain. It’s probably pointing you toward building God’s kingdom so that we all may grow up and mature into that one body Paul speaks of. I believe we can do it. I hope you do too.

Last year around this time, we decided to clear some land – and I had absolutely no idea what I was doing. I just knew that it looked like a jungle and I wanted it clean and perhaps to use it has land to plant something. I cannot help but see the metaphors for living a life of faith in this family project. One of the most magical moments was after burning the land. Now I knew farmers did this, but I did not understand the purpose.
It doesn’t make much sense (at least on the surface). You destroy and burn to make things grow?!! Then I saw these bright green leaves pushing up from the charred, black ground.

The contrast was beautiful, undeniable. The growth was FAST.
Listen, you cannot trust “what makes sense” or “what it looks like.” What looks like loss is gain. What looks like destruction is evolution. What looks like the end of a thing, could be the beginning of what’s needed for exponential growth in your purpose. And that’s sometimes what makes the pain worth it.