Last week we talked about not doing things alone, being a fit helper, and being vulnerable.

I know these aren’t always the easiest to do, especially since they are surrounded by habits that can be super difficult to break.

God has to help you in this. As you feel the temptation to engage in alone behavior, being unfit, not being vulnerable, just ask the Holy Spirit in that moment to help you. OUT LOUD.

Your spouse might think you are a weirdo, but rather than engaging in behaviors that tear down, what if you grabbed their hand, looked them in the eye, and out loud prayed in that moment?

“That would freak them out.” Yeah maybe, but is an awkward moment better than another fight?

Remember, the goal is not to find the 20% elsewhere but to make your 80% got to 81, then 82, etc.

Fighting
Every couple has those moments, right? I mean you are “one,” but you are still two individual people with different personalities, histories, families of origin, etc.

Taking that DISC test will help. 5 Love Languages will help too.

I receive love through service. The way I show love is through acts of service. They aren’t always the same. Monique’s way to receive love is quality time. I can be showing her my love through service but she won’t receive it because the way she receives is quality time

You have to be careful you aren’t giving love in the way you’d like to receive it. You have to give your spouse love how they receive it.

Don’t know how they receive it? 5 Love Languages Test. Click the link below!

John 16:33
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Tribulation is thlipsis in Greek.
thlípsis – pressure that constricts or rubs together, a narrow place that "hems someone in"; tribulation, especially internal pressure that causes someone to feel confined or restricted, "without options.”

When you are in a heated argument with your spouse, do you feel this way?

I mean, you’re married, so you can’t just break up with them. That takes lawyers and money and a ton of other things.

And you might feel the pressure that your spouse is hard headed and always has to be right. Or that they are dead wrong and they know they are but they are doing anything they can to win because if they win they don’t even have to be right!

So what do we do?
WIN AT ALL COSTS! We align our battalions against the front and begin launching catapults of insults and past mistakes and words that are designed to hurt.

We go full tilt because we’re at war and we can’t let anyone run over us!

Let me give you two very important realities:
first, you are fighting the wrong enemy
and second, a win that wounds you isn’t a win.

You aren’t at war with your spouse.

Now that is what satan wants for you!
Job 2:9
Then his wife said to him, “Do you still hold fast your integrity? Curse God and die.”
Satan will do anything he can to turn you and your spouse against each other.

Satan’s battles are you and your spouse face to face.
God’s battles are you and your spouse back to back.

So if you are at war right now with your spouse, listen to me:
YOU ARE FIGHTING THE WRONG ENEMY.

Look again at John 16:33
33 I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.”

Three things stand out here:
First, tribulation will come. And it comes from the world, not your spouse. It is the darkness that is trying to destroy your marriage. It will come most often in the form of disagreements between you and your spouse. Look - you are going to have disagreements. Expect it.

Second, with Jesus, you can overcome those disagreements. He has overcome the darkness, the world, and with him, you can too.

Third, if you and your spouse are in Jesus, peace is there, too.

What would you do for some peace between you and your spouse right now? Ever hear about the soccer match on Christmas during World War 1?
It happened! Strange that someone had a soccer ball, but the soldiers put down their guns and swords, met in the middle, and had a respite from the war.

I wonder what peace would come into the midst of your tribulation if you were to put down your weapons, meet in the middle, and allow Jesus to intervene?

Today I want to talk to you about disarmament.

You may have heard this word in the media, especially in terms of nuclear disarmament. But disarmament essentially means the act of laying down weapons to pursue peace.

Now, no one is saying that in this process it means that no one is wrong and nothing needs to change about our attitudes, behaviors, beliefs, and so on.
- You might need to change.
- You might need to talk to a couple here at Freedom.
- You might need therapy.
- But you definitely need to disarm.

Matthew 12:25
“Every kingdom divided against itself is brought to desolation, and every city or house divided against itself will not stand.

Remember Genesis 2:24
24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

When you fire upon your spouse, you are firing upon yourself, but God has a better plan for you than war.

Isaiah 2:2-5
2 It shall come to pass in the latter days that the mountain of the house of the Lord shall be established as the highest of the mountains, and shall be lifted up above the hills; and all the nations shall flow to it, 3 and many peoples shall come, and say: “Come, let us go up to the mountain of the Lord, to the house of the God of Jacob, that he may teach us his ways and that we may walk in his paths.” For out of Zion shall go forth the law, and the word of the Lord from Jerusalem. 4 He shall judge between the nations, and shall decide disputes for many peoples; and they shall beat their swords into plowshares, and their spears into pruning hooks; nation shall not lift up sword against nation, neither shall they learn war anymore.
5 O house of Jacob, come, let us walk in the light of the Lord.

This passage is the answer to a healthy home life, by the way.
I could do an entire sermon on this passage alone.

First, the house of the Lord is regarded above all, even your own house.
I am not saying the actual church building, but the act of revering, honoring, and embracing God’s design for your family with Jesus as the head of the man, the man as the head of the wife, the wife as the head of the home.
Actually following God’s design for the family unit.

Second, not only should we learn God’s truths, but actually walk in them!
How would your home change if you simply did what God told you to do without fail? Where does his law and his word flow from? The house of God, the same one that you’ve established in your own home. This gets you verse 5 where you are literally walking in the light of the Lord.

And third, look what happens when tribulations show up, or an argument stirs:
- God judges between you two,
- you turn your swords into things that cultivate your relationship,
- you turn the things that used to hurt each other into things that allow you to reap a harvest
- and you don’t even learn the art of war anymore.

I want all of that. All I have to do is obey the Lord.

So what is the message today?
1. Obey God.
2. Learn his truths.
3. Walk in them.
4. Make the Lord the center focus of your home.
5. Structure your home in the way God designed it, not in what is convenient for you.
6. And disarm.

If you need help with 1-5, we can help you. Fill out a connect card or come pray with a prayer team member at the end. We got you.

But let’s take the time we have left on disarming.

The weapons of our relational warfare typically revolve around three things:
our words, our pasts, and our intentions.

So today, let’s deal with these three weapons.

1. Words
Stick and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.
If that is true then why are you still hung up on what that person said to you that has sabotaged every relationship that meant something to you?

Truth is, words hurt more than sticks and stones.

Proverbs 18:21
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits.

I am sure you figured I would reference this verse, but there’s good cause to.

First, there IS power in what you say. If you call your spouse a jerk all the time,
Second, you WILL reap what you sow. Don’t be surprised if they act like one.
Third, you won’t only reap it, you will eat it.

But since I used this verse, let’s look at the first in front of it and the verse after it.

Proverbs 18:20
20 From the fruit of a man's mouth his stomach is satisfied; he is satisfied by the yield of his lips.

Fellas, if you are rude and belittling and harsh to your wife and like it, then what does that say about you? Same for you ladies. If you are satisfied by belittling your spouse, that is evil in you.

But the same goes for good things, too. Do you want to taste something better than what you’re tasting right now? Shower your spouse in positive, encouraging, life-giving words. You’ll find they are exponentially more satisfying!

Ok the verse after it. Remember Proverbs 18:21
21 Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. 22 He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.

Fellas, not only did you find a good thing when you found your wife, even if the circumstances weren’t godly, and God did you a favor with her!

Interesting that these verses are back to back. And let’s be honest, our spouse is the easiest target for death speaking. But why would you want to demean something God blessed you with?

Words are destructive.
I remember my parents sitting me down when I was little. They had a very serious conversation with me and if I remember correctly, it was after some close friends of our were getting a divorce. They told me, “We promise to you that will will not only not get a divorce, we won’t even consider it in this household.”

I want a divorce, you’re a loser, I hate you, you’re always this or never that, I wish I never met you/married you, you’re just like your mother/father, I never want to see you again, you can’t do anything right and never did, you are nothing but a failure…

I’d rather a stone than any of these.

Would you be willing to say these to your child?
Then why would you be willing to say them to one of God’s children?

Words are destructive.

Consider this interaction between David and one of his wives, Michal (King Saul’s daughter) when the Ark was being brought back to Jerusalem. David danced with all his might before the Lord.

2 Samuel 6:20-23
20 When David returned home to bless his own family, Michal, the daughter of Saul, came out to meet him. She said in disgust, “How distinguished the king of Israel looked today, shamelessly exposing himself to the servant girls like any vulgar person might do!” 21 David retorted to Michal, “I was dancing before the Lord, who chose me above your father and all his family! He appointed me as the leader of Israel, the people of the Lord, so I celebrate before the Lord. 22 Yes, and I am willing to look even more foolish than this, even to be humiliated in my own eyes! But those servant girls you mentioned will indeed think I am distinguished!” 23 So Michal, the daughter of Saul, remained childless throughout her entire life.

So, not a picture of a healthy relationship to say the least.
First note is don’t have multiple spouses. Jot that down.

But look at what she says, and try to look past the figurative language of the Bible for a sec:
“How distinguished did the King of Israel look today”
You looked like an idiot today, you loser.
“shamelessly exposing himself to the servant girls like any vulgar person might do!”
Disgusting embarrassing perverted fool

David clapped back a little…
Umm…God chose me over your family…so…

But notice the last verse. Michal was barren. I am not saying that dissing your husband for dancing at church is going to make you barren. But David and Michal were married. If she was barren, he was, too.

Words aren’t just destructive.
They can keep you and your spouse from being fruitful.

But listen up, because this is huge, words can be as constructive as they can be destructive.

Psalm 19:14
Let the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart be acceptable in your sight, O Lord, my rock and my redeemer.

I don’t believe for a moment that you have no control over what you say.
Of course you do! You can bless just as easily as you curse!

So what if you made it a point that whatever you thought and said about them was going to be uplifting, encouraging, helpful, beneficial, and even more, PLEASING TO GOD! You might find that your spouse gets better when your words over them get better.

Do you want to see a change in your relationship with your spouse?
It might be what you say just as much as anything.

If you will be willing to disarm your death speak over your spouse, you might find them come to life.

2. Pasts
You should only throw someone’s past in their face if you want yours thrown in your face.

Look how God responds to that kind of thinking:

Matthew 18:21-35
21 Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” 22 “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven! 23 “Therefore, the Kingdom of Heaven can be compared to a king who decided to bring his accounts up to date with servants who had borrowed money from him. 24 In the process, one of his debtors was brought in who owed him millions of dollars. 25 He couldn’t pay, so his master ordered that he be sold—along with his wife, his children, and everything he owned—to pay the debt. 26 “But the man fell down before his master and begged him, ‘Please, be patient with me, and I will pay it all.’ 27 Then his master was filled with pity for him, and he released him and forgave his debt.
28 “But when the man left the king, he went to a fellow servant who owed him a few thousand dollars. He grabbed him by the throat and demanded instant payment. 29 “His fellow servant fell down before him and begged for a little more time. ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay it,’ he pleaded. 30 But his creditor wouldn’t wait. He had the man arrested and put in prison until the debt could be paid in full. 31 “When some of the other servants saw this, they were very upset. They went to the king and told him everything that had happened. 32 Then the king called in the man he had forgiven and said, ‘You evil servant! I forgave you that tremendous debt because you pleaded with me. 33 Shouldn’t you have mercy on your fellow servant, just as I had mercy on you?’ 34 Then the angry king sent the man to prison to be tortured until he had paid his entire debt. 35 “That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

I know this can sound a little banjo-music-ish, but your spouse is a brother or sister in Christ, too.

You cannot have forgiven someone their past and still use it as a weapon. Forgive in Greek implies letting it go, or releasing it. Launching it in a fight is not what Jesus means by letting it go.

1 Corinthians 13:4-5
4 Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud 5 or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.

Uh oh. Not only are you refusing to forgive, now your love for them is in check, too.

The only time you get to use the past as a weapon with your spouse is when Jesus uses it as a weapon with you.

Micah 7:9
He will again have compassion on us; he will tread our iniquities underfoot. You will cast all our sins into the depths of the sea.

3. Intentions
Intentions a born from beliefs.

What then, do you believe about your spouse?
Are they the helpmate God made for you?
Are they a net positive in your life?
Do you experience the joys of a marital relationship with them?
Do they satisfy your heart?
Do you long to be with them?

Or are they an old ball and chain?
Are they what you dislike most about your life?
Are they just a thing society says you should have?
Are they just a maid or cook or person to use?

Are they someone to manipulate into getting your way?
Are they a bother or a blessing?
A disappointment or a divine gift from God?

How you answer these questions reveals what you believe about your spouse, and whatever you believe, you’ll always act upon.

An intention is idea that you plan (or intend) to carry out. If you mean something, it's an intention. Your goal, purpose, or aim is your intention. It's something you mean to do, whether you pull it off or not.

Think of your last argument. What was your intention? Did you want to be right or to be reconciled? Were you more concerned with getting your way or growing together?

Hebrews 4:12
For the word of God is alive and powerful. It is sharper than the sharpest two-edged sword, cutting between soul and spirit, between joint and marrow. It exposes our innermost thoughts and desires.

DGroups aren’t just about you being a better disciple. They are about you being a better spouse, too. You NEED the Word because you NEED your intentions being exposed. You NEED people because you NEED someone to help you see what you’re doing wrong.

Before you open your mouth to hurl another hurtful word, you might want to take a second and check your intention.

What should your intention be?
Husbands, your intention is not a weapon.
You intention should be to honor and love your wife, giving all for her, doing everything you can to help her. HER BEST IS YOUR INTENTION.

Wives, your intention is not a weapon.
Your intention should be to honor and love your husband, having a gentle spirit, which is precious in God’s sight. Be the helpmate God created you to be. HIS BEST IS YOUR INTENTION.

You can’t live out a biblical marital relationship if your intentions are to harm, not to help.

So what is my encouragement today?

PUT DOWN THE WEAPONS AND STOP FIGHTING EACH OTHER.

You aren’t perfect, either of you. that is ok. Get help.
You aren’t always going to respond the right way. That’s ok. Be forgiving.
You aren’t always going to have no troubles. That’s ok. Seek peace.

Here’s how we end today, with repentance.

"God, forgive me for not treating my spouse like I should. Forgive me for going to war with them and not seeking peace. Holy Spirit I am asking for wisdom to know how to love and honor my spouse, courage to choose to do what is right, and the will to follow through."

To your spouse:
"Forgive me for the words I’ve said, the past mistakes I have left unforgiven, and the wrong intentions I have had towards you. I am laying down my weapons. I refuse to fight you anymore. Back to back with Jesus we will fight the enemy. We will have a strong godly marriage from this moment forward. I love you. I am committed to you. I still do."

What is the Holy Spirit saying to you through this message?

How does he want you to respond?