MARRIAGE

Asked Questions
When do you say enough? Red flags?
There are a number of “red flags” to look for before entering a permanent relationship. Unfortunately, these indicators may not be visible until after the wedding takes place, since many abusers are skilled at hiding their true natures. However, a short list of things to look out for includes irrational jealousy, the need to be in control, a quick temper, cruelty toward animals, attempts to isolate the other person from his or her friends and family, drug or alcohol abuse, and disrespect for boundaries, privacy, personal space, poor moral values, and obviously, if they are not a Christian.

What do you do when you bring up a problem to your spouse and this completely dismiss you and the problem. When the problem is brought up you feel as though the purposely get anger because they know you don’t deal well with negativity and you will shut down and drop the issue.
You clearly need a third party to mediate as the angered spouse is either feeling guilty, attacked, wrong, or all three.

Why do men think they do not have to contribute to household work?
Be careful not to generalize. Many men do contribute to the housework. Not every family is the same and you have to consider specific situations. If the husband works all day long at a stressful or grueling job and the wife stays home with the kids in school, then you can make a case that the wife should be taking care of the house. But if you both work, you should both contribute. If you live there, do what you can to help. Do unto others…


When my husband wants to be intimate (and I don’t) I still partake in the activity, but when I want to be intimate he makes me feel like I am a burden and other things are more important, like his own hobbies. Please explain how and why this is not healthy.
Your body doesn’t belong to you once you get married. Unless your spouse is being completely unreasonable with expectations, engage. Long periods of no intimacy can be devastating to your marriage.


How do we get on the same page with big decisions?
You have to start by being on the same page with your goals and expectations. You cannot expect to be on the same page when it comes to how to handle discipline with kids or financial decisions if you haven’t already decided what is important in terms of your family goals. When you can’t seem to get on the same page, it requires you compromising by finding a page somewhere in between that works.


How do I know if this is the right one? After being divorced, I’m so hesitant.
There is no such thing as the right one. You could have a successful people with a handful of people. “The one” can be an expectation that is so extreme that you miss a real gift from God, so ask three questions:
- Is the person godly? (a person in relationship with and pursuing Jesus)
- Are we compatible? )godly or not, you aren’t going to mesh with everyone)
- Do trusted people in my life think this is a good and godly thing?


What does submission to your husband look like when you haven't had a good example or been taught what that is?
Even if we’ve had poor examples in real life of submission, not only does the Bible have quality example, not only does the body of Christ have good examples, but the Holy Spirit is a teacher of all things, too. Find someone in your church who seems to do well and learn from them (this goes for everything, not just learning submission).

Extra Questions

What does a heathy relationship look like?
GGG: Godly (self explanatory), growing (getting better), and gratifying (producing fruit)

What do I if my marriage is toxic?
Get help from a third party, be that therapy or a godly couple in your church. You first have to determine if it is toxic or if you are just upset. Then make decisions on what to do next. If it is abusive, separate. Safety first.

How do I build trust in my relationship?
Eliminate things that are creating distrust, and then get hyper focused on pouring into your relationship through things like date nights, praying with each other, and even therapy or advice form godly couples.

How do we manage disagreements if my family of origin swept it under the rug but their family threw plates?
You have to realize that your way isn’t always the best way and that you have to find the balance for your own family. Anger junkies don’t get to lose control and sweepers don’t get to ignore it. When at an impasse, take a 15 minute break. this gives the anger junkie a moment to cool off, but then the sweeper has to initiate the conversation in 15 minutes to force them to talk about it. If it blows up again, take 30 minutes. But most of all, seek resolution not rightness.

What do we do about our relational pasts?
Don’t dig up hatchets that aren’t causing issues. If your past is causing an issue in your marriage, you have to deal with it, but don’t go digging up bones just to make you feel better. It may make you feel better to get something off your chest, but you just might destroy your spouse in the meantime. If you need to get it off your chest, go see a therapist. Jimmy Evans has a great teaching on this at Marriage Today.

PARENTING

Asked Questions

How to deal with a defiant teenage kid? How to get teens involved in youth/church?
You get them involved by bringing them to church. They don’t get a choice. Too many parents are allowing their kids to dictate what they do. I had to be at church whether I liked it or not. I had to sit with my parents whether I liked it or not.

As far as defiant goes, that is one of a few things, either a cry for help, a call for attention, or the work of the enemy. You will have to dig in with that kid and figure out why they are being defiant. Any disobedience should be met with appropriate discipline.

How can I teach my children about the principals of the Bible when I don’t understand some of them myself? Where do you start what traditions should be set in the household.
The Bible is not nearly as complex as people think it is. You don’t have to do a dissertation on the implications of iconography in the context of the apocalyptic nature of John’s Revelation. Start with the basics. Get a devotional for children/teens and do a devotion with them every night. If you don’t know something in the Bible, let your kid help you find an answer with you. This will teach them what to do when they don’t know. And you can always ask someone you know has a good handle on these things! You don’t learn to play piano by starting with Chopin. You start with scales, and that goes for when you are 5 or 50. Same with the Bible. Start with the basics.

Whats the best way to deal with bad attitude?
Most people have a bad attitude when they lose control, when life is unpredictable, or when they are not getting what they want. So determining why is super important. When you get the why, you can address the issue. If the bad attitude is chronic, it is typically indicative of a deep rooted issue that needs to be addressed.

And then there’s discipline. Not every attitude is based on a dark issue. Sometimes it is just the disobedience we are born into. This has to be disciplined out of us. Finding the right discipline is important. Remember, discipline and love are always connected in the Bible. In fact, if you don’t discipline, the Bible even goes far enough to say you don’t love your kid! For some, discipline means a spanking. Spank hard enough to where they come to you. Speaking works. Ask me how I know. Restriction may be what works best for you kid, though. Not all kids respond to the same style of discipline, even among your own kids. Use wisdom from God and from trusted sources in your life to determine what discipline to use. But do not neglect discipline. Be careful that you aren’t so lax in your discipline that you raise unruly kids that no one wants to be around.

In a blended family, what is the best way to discipline children?
It has to start with a shared goal you’ve already agreed upon with your spouse. This is a complex answer because it can vary so much between different family dynamics, but a good rule of thumb would be to let the biological parent lead the disciplining, but that the step parent should always be (as much as they can be) with the bio parent when they discipline. This relays the message that you two are a team and that the authority over that child is shared. The step parent should always discipline with the bio parent, even if that means waiting until the bio parent gets home. The bio parent will help establish and defend the step parent’s authority. NEVER undermine your spouse’s authority in from to the kids whether the family is blended or nuclear.

How to get through to your children about the importance if respecting and obeying authority?
The simplest way is to explain to them what happens when you disobey authority. One of the biggest issues with submitting to authority is that too often we are moving the targets so your kids don’t always know how hard they can push (and they will push). If I get caught stealing, there is a very specific set of punishments I have to endure for that based on the severity of my theft. The authorities have determined these in advance. If you tell your kid not to do something and then continue to threaten them over and over, never doing anything about it, you are teaching them that authority is weak and you can push the envelope. So having punishments set and sticking to them is huge.

But also, discipline is the answer to respect and obedience. Why? Discipline is love. We obey as a response to love. When your kids know they are loved, respect and obedience come more naturally. And love isn’t just do what you want. Love is discipline when that is necessary as much as it is comfort when they are hurt or encouragement day to day.

Extra Questions

5 Questions to Ask Yourself
Do I measure my success as a parent by the quality of the relationship, or by how effectively I can control my child?
Am I trying to make my child successful just so that I will feel successful?
Do I model the behavior that I want my child to exhibit?
Do I focus more on what my child does or on who my child is becoming?
Do I want what’s good for my child or what’s godly?

FINANCES

Asked Questions

How do you make your spouse get on board and stop blowing money? Causing huge strain on the relationship! Lots of talking, zero actions.
This is clearly a lack of self-control. Whenever you have a total lack of self control, you have to create parameters that force you to stay the course (like bumpers at a bowling alley). This might include a separate account for bills, an account for the spendy spouse that only has money they can spend in it, or it can include an agreement that if you spend over X amount of dollars, it requires an approval from both parties. If this is violated, have a recourse, such as the spendy spouse gets their card taken away. Sound a little childish? Well, not trying to be mean here, but so is spending your bills money on frivolous things.

What do you do when one spouse is better at managing finances than the other but the spouse that is irresponsible with money won’t let you handle the finances?
People hate losing control and this is what this is about. This is not a money issue. This is a control issue. In this situation the couple has to commit to joint management of the accounts.

How do I start creating assets to earn additional income?
Step one: be rich jk lol. Get advice from pros. Financial experts can tackle this one!

How do I tithe if my husband hasn’t given his heart to Jesus and doesn’t believe that’s right?
First off, tithing is a command and if you are going to be in financial covenant with God, he requires it. It is not about the church having money. It is about you being obedient to God, specifically in an area of your life where you like to maintain strict control.

Malachi 3:8-12 8“Should people cheat God? Yet you have cheated me! “But you ask, ‘What do you mean? When did we ever cheat you?’ “You have cheated me of the tithes and offerings due to me. 9You are under a curse, for your whole nation has been cheating me. 10 Bring all the tithes into the storehouse so there will be enough food in my Temple. If you do,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies, “I will open the windows of heaven for you. I will pour out a blessing so great you won’t have enough room to take it in! Try it! Put me to the test! 11Your crops will be abundant, for I will guard them from insects and disease. Your grapes will not fall from the vine before they are ripe,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies. 12“Then all nations will call you blessed, for your land will be such a delight,” says the Lord of Heaven’s Armies.

Show me your transactions over the last month and I’ll tell you what is most important to you, maybe even what you worship.

When it comes to anything of God, you can’t expect a lost person to do what saved people do. Tithing is about obedience and covenant and if they are not saved, they are not going to engage in those two elements with God. All you can do is tithe on what you bring to the table. If they are upset about that, then this your opportunity to tell them as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. You aren’t happy about their refusal to tithe!

Is it okay to have debt as a believer?
Proverbs 22:7 The rich rules over the poor, and the borrower is the slave of the lender.

Romans 13:8 Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law.

If you can live debt free, do it. A debt free life is absolutely the best life to live. However, we live in a society that is built upon debt. That doesn’t mean it is right, but it is the reality. There are certain debts most every American will have, mainly your mortgage and most often a vehicle. Dave Ramsey says buy cash cars. That’s a great idea if you have the capital for it, but I am not putting my wife and kids in a cash car hoping they won’t be broken down on the side of the road somewhere. I need to finance a quality car for the sake of safety and peace of mind.

But here is the main point: don’t overdo it. Live within your means.
Hebrews 13:5 Keep your life free from love of money, and be content with what you have. This translated means just that: live within your means. When you get outside your means, you get into trouble, you get into unmanageable credit card debt, bad debt, etc. When it comes to credit cards, they are the safest way to transact hands down. Debit cards are not because that is YOUR money in debit and THEIR money in credit. But if you cannot manage your finances well, a credit card will end you!
So it is okay to have debt, just don’t let debt have you.

How much should we spend?
50/30/20 Rule
50% on needs, 30% on wants, and 20% on savings
Everyone should have a budget. A budget does not tell you what you can’t spend. It tells you what you can spend. A budget lets you know precisely where money is going so you know what you have.

Wealth is not for you to be a rich person but to be a blessing. It is okay to have money, just don’t let money have you.

Remember, that while we tend to call the tithe (first 10%) God’s, it is actually ALL God’s. We are stewards of his finances, so however you spend, spend well and with wisdom.

Romans 12:2
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

If you want to be balanced in your family, in your life, you have to make sure the Word of God is your control.

The Word is the final authority.
The Word is the instruction manual.
The Word is what you balance everything in your life to.

Matthew 6:33 But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you

When you seek the Kingdom you get the Kingdom, but if you aren’t seeking the Kingdom, don’t be surprised when you miss the Kingdom.

1 Corinthians 6:12 All things are lawful for me, but not all things are helpful. All things are lawful for me, but I will not be dominated by anything.

If you are going to experience balance in your life, it is going to take you operating in moderation, not letting anything dominate you other than Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit.

So what do we do now?

You have to allow the Holy Spirit to direct you in this moment.

Are you out of balance in any area of your life?

This is your opportunity to get it into balance.

Here’s how:

Submit this area to the Lord.
Ask for forgiveness for your part in the instability.
Allow his Word to rebalance you right now.
Ask the Holy Spirit to guide you in your next steps.

What is the Holy Spirit saying to you through this message?