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SERIES: ALIGNING WITH GOD
SUBSERIES: IMPACT OF FOUNDATIONS

MARRIAGE GOD'S WAY

MESSAGE TITLE: "THE ORIGINAL STANDARD"

CONTEXT:
ALIGN: FOUNDATIONS: IMPACT: MARRIAGE

How should my MARRIAGE be impacted by our Biblical foundations?

Repentance: As an unbeliever, I had a secular world view of marriage - maybe didn’t believe in it, or just saw it as a contract with another human. When I repent, I turn away from this old man way of thinking, and I turn to how God wants me to think about marriage - a covenant relationship with one of His children that has a purpose to serve the Kingdom of God.

Salvation: I am saved by grace through faith and I am now a child of God and can cry out with the spirit of adoption Abba, Father, to the almighty God, creator of the universe - as a son and daughter of our Father God, I know my worth and my purpose and I will seek a spouse that God shows me and that lines up with my identity and purpose.

Faith - By faith I will marry the person God shows me - when God gives me a word about a person, it is my substance that I stand on and hope from;
and by faith I stick to that person no matter what, because God is in it.

Lordship and obedience: Together with my spouse we make God the third and most important party of our marriage - we both humbly submit to His will and ways and whenever we get stuck, we turn to Him.

Water baptism: my old person has washed away and my new transformed person can step into marriage knowing that I am whole in God

Holy Spirit baptism: When I am filled by the Holy Spirit and lead by Him, I can be a better spouse

Spiritual family - spiritual family begins as home and both my spouse and I believe that and intentionally establish that.

Discipleship: The husband and father should be the main discipling influence in the wife and children’s lives, working in conjunction with the leadership of a local life-giving church


MAIN MESSAGE: “THE ORIGINAL STANDARD”

We all have what we would call standards for things in life. When I went to school we even called our grades standards… And just to confuse you, you needed good grades to pass your standard. In other words grades of a high standard to go from one standard to the next… I know, that would be confusing to younger people and to people from other nations…

But we all have a set of standards by which we do things. From the not so important (at least it shouldn’t be that important) like which way should the toilet paper roll hang… Let me just show you the right way… (slide)

And then we have some more serious standards. Like only letting a qualified neurosurgeon working on your brain - right? And even more serious- Like the type of person we want to marry, the type of job we do, the way we want to raise our children.

Heaven has a standard. A standard of life in line with God’s original design.

The world has a standard. A standard of life in line with God’s enemy, satan.

Each of us need to choose which standard we will follow.
We either have a Biblical worldview on marriage or a secular worldview. Sadly, many cultural Christians, and even born-again believers adopt the secular worldview on marriage, or adopt it to some extent.

We’re going to look at some stats that show the fruit of doing marriage and family the world’s way. And then we’re going to look at “The Original Plan” that God put in place, AND STILL HAS IN PLACE, for marriage and family.

By a show of hands - how many of you think that overall marriages and families are healthy and functional and most people grow up in happy homes… No hands? Ok, so you know that it is not going well? Ok. But just in case - listen to these stats.

Four out of every 10 marriages in SA end in divorce. That is almost 50%.

According to marriage.com
The top reasons for divorce based on research are:
Infidelity
Finances
Lack of communication
Constant arguing
Weight gain
Unrealistic expectations
Lack of intimacy
Lack of equality
Unprepared for marriage
Physical and emotional abuse

In 2012 in a news24 article they cited the top reasons for divorce in SA based on reasons given in 500 divorce cases:
Lack of communication
Physical, psychological, financial or emotional abuse
Infidelity
Social networks
Addiction
Sexual incompatibility
Finances
Parental responsibilities
Religious differences
Different priorities

Psychologists, family law practitioners and other secular sources actually note over and over again that divorce and a dysfunctional home environment leads to all kinds of serious mental and emotional baggage and they are in agreement that the ideal is for marriages to stay whole and healthy and for children to grow up in a healthy home evironment. The world just doesn’t know how to establish this or to give it longevity.

FATHERLESSNESS
Over 60% of children in SA grow up without a father present in the home. That is no dad physically at home. Among the black community in SA, the statistic is over 70%.
Then there are other forms of fatherlessness like neglect, abuse, etc. Fatherlessness has been proven to be the root cause of pretty much all the major social and socio-economic problems we have in this world. You can nominate a problem, and I’ll show you how it was birthed in fatherlessness. And behind fatherlessness is no Jesus. (Refer to slides showing direct connection between fatherlessness and main issues)

Why am I speaking about fatherlessness in the context of marriage? Because a husband typically becomes a father. No marriage, no husband, and a greater chance that this unattached person who fathered a child won’t stick around to actually father that child.

Here’s a secular definition of marriage:
The legal union of a couple as spouses. The basic elements of a marriage are: (1) the parties' legal ability to marry each other, (2) mutual consent of the parties, and (3) a marriage contract as required by law.

Here’s another one:
A legal union between two persons that confers certain privileges and entails certain obligations of each person to the other

So the world’s standard for marriage is a legally binding contract. An agreement where both parties enter with a 50/50 commitment to give something to get something. And that is exactly what it ends up being. Divorce is then in essence the canceling of a contract. But emotions and identities are involved so it’s messy and it hurts and the consequences reach into the next generations.

CHILDREN AND MARRIAGE
Can anyone tell me how the world, in general, prepares children for marriage?

Do you think the average parent is intentionally preparing and training their children to understand their worth and what marriage is all about? Or have they perhaps abdicated that responsibility to schools and religious institutions?

What is being portrayed in tv series, movies, music lyrics and music videos? Does it stir and move people to wait for their life long partner? Does it inspire them to live pure and holy lives? Does it set a strong moral compass for what is right and wrong?

No. None of the above. On the contrary - it is setting people up for failure. It paints a picture of fun and freedom outside of marriage, and a picture of being locked down and having all the fun sucked out of your life when you do get married. We make scathing jokes about getting married at weddings. We disrespect the bride and groom with tasteless humour and we allow weak foundations to be the platform from which we try and build a good marriage. We fail before we even begin.


THE MATHS OF MARRIAGE
We have been convinced, subliminally that the maths of marriage is that two half people make a whole. We even introduce our spouses as “my other half” or “my better half”. Implying that we are each half a human without the other one. So now two half-formed people are trying to get out of each other that which only God can give, and they don’t understand why after a while they both have nothing left to give…

And this worldly standard has sadly infiltrated the church in general. Many churches and church leaders turn a blind eye to young people living together before marriage. Some even encourage it. We have been so desensitized by the world’s standard, that we have slowly but surely allowed the enemy to walk straight into our homes and bedrooms and tell us how to live our lives. We have sacrificed God’s original standard for selfishness, for comfort, for convenience, for practical reasons. We excuse fornication and sexual immorality and we even praise people on social media when they have had children out of wedlock. Yes, the birth of any child is a wonderful thing, but when the parents have selfishly opted to bring that child into the world out of God’s standard, they are willingly letting that child come into this world on the back foot.

Is anyone uncomfortable yet? Good.
Am I saying this to judge or make you feel bad? No. Am I trying to make you feel condemned? No. Am I lovingly sharing the truth with you in order to help you reach a place of conviction that will help you repent and turn to God’s ways? Yes, unashamedly.

Remember this book? The Bible? The word of God. Remember that Jesus himself is the word? Do you confess with your mouth and believe in your heart that Jesus is the son of God and that through Him you are saved and have eternal life? Have you given you life to Jesus? Ok then. Then this book is the original standard you should live by. Not the world’s standard. Let’s not be deceived. Let’s not jump on the bandwagon of popular opinion and secular culture. Let us stand for the truth of God’s word.

So let’s look at what God says was his original plan for marriage.

COVENANT VERSUS CONTRACT
As we saw earlier the world’s standard for marriage is a contract. But from scripture, we can see that God’s standard is a deeply spiritual covenant relationship. Covenant is not 50/50, but 100/100 from both. It’s not give to get, it is giving and serving sacrificially from a secure place of knowing who you are in Jesus and that this spouse is your partner for life as ordained by God. There is leaving the parents’ home and cleaving to the spouse. And the two are united into one.

God’s idea of maths when it comes to marriage is not ½ + ½ = 1.
His idea of marriage is that one whole person in Him joins with one other whole person in Him, and so 1+1=1 in God’s mind.
This takes us right back to our first foundations - truly repenting, getting saved, making Jesus my saviour and Lord of my life - filling the God-shaped hole in me with the only thing that fits in there - God himself. That is the only way any of us can be whole. The only way we can transform, be a new creation. Because then we become citizens of heaven and we gain access to the supernatural power that is needed to love my spouse and all other people with the love of Jesus. That love is unconditional, sacrificial, relentless and life-changing. No human can give this to another human being. It may feel like it for a little while. That infatuation period of being in love. But it’s not actually love. It is fantasy. When the butterflies leave and you don’t get from each other what you signed up for in the first place, you then feel out of love and you say things like “I don’t love you anymore.” But you never really loved in the first place.

God is love. Only his love flowing through us to our spouse, to our children, to the people around us is true love. And the only way we can access it is through true salvation and a life daily dedicated to serving God.

From Ephesians, we see the standard of God’s love. For a wife to humbly submit to her husband, she needs to be secure in who she is in God and understand and believe in God’s order for the home. She can only do this if she is truly born-again, fully submitted to God, and being led by Holy Spirit. Also, she knows this submission is not being a slave to a man, it is fulfilling her God-ordained design and standing in her God-given role. She has peace in this. And from this place also she respects her husband.

The husband can only love like Jesus, laying down his life, sacrificing, serving, loving unconditionally if he is truly born-again and Holy Spirit-filled - because he and she both need to power of God to stand in these roles. It takes supernatural strength to be like this and do live like this on a daily basis.

Let the husband love the wife and wife respect her husband. Men, you will agree with me that the greatest need you have of your wife is to know and feel and hear that she respects you. And the worst you can feel is when she doesn’t respect you.

Ladies, I think you’ll agree with me that your greatest desire is to feel loved by your husband, and this mainly looks like he listens, he creates a safe space for you and makes you feel beautiful and special.

Men, the truth most of us don’t want to hear is that the so-called buck stops with us. By God’s original standard, by His original design, we are the head of the marriage and the head of the home. Our wives are our very important helper, actually - military aid according to the ancient Hebrew word for helper. Men, we set the atmosphere in the home. If we are born-again, Holy Spirit-filled and living for God, we will know that we are seated in heavenly places and will therefore bring heaven home, as Cassie Carstens teaches.

So, will your wife respect you if you don’t love her? If she is a mature Christian, she may. If she is not, she will not or will struggle. But if she feels loves, whether saved or unsaved, she will find it very natural and easy to respect you.

So let’s not be men who wait for our wives to one day suddenly start respecting us before we will decide to love them. Let us not be men who only lay down our lives for our wives when we think they are submitting to us. No. We do it because we love God and we live by his original standard.

IN CLOSING
Do you believe that? Can you see the vast difference between God’s original standard and what the world has made it? What satan has made us believe it is?

We’re going to take a moment to reflect and respond to God’s word. Ask Holy Spirit to show you in what way you may believe and apply the world’s standard to your marriage or the way you think of your future marriage. If you’re engaged or planning on getting married and you’re living and sleeping together, I want to lovingly invite you to repent and make right for your heavenly Father. This is the moment you can fix the broken foundation you have been laying and you can build properly on God and His ways.

If you see the signs of any of the reasons people list for divorce or if you have considered getting a divorce, please come and lay these things before God and ask for his divine power to and truth to come into your life and into your marriage. Admit your own part in whatever problem you have. Stop playing the blame game. Stop playing the victim card. Humble yourself before God, repent and choose to humble yourself before your spouse as well. Repent to each other. Forgive each other. Choose to love like Jesus, laying down your life. Put down the things you think you deserve, and choose to just love with God’s love.

REFLECT AND RESPOND