2 Main Roots of Conflict

1. Unmet expectations
2. Self-centeredness

Two persons feelings wronged is the beginning of any conflict.

Even in small fights the enemy gets in and does big damage. - Your spouse is not the enemy.

Conflict is going to come - When you see it coming you have choices to make

1. Choose To Act And Not React

- You can make it right…or be right. But many times hard to have both. I always tell Tandra - It doesn’t matter who is right it matters what is right now.

Healthy conflict leads to healthy relationships. Unhealthy conflict leads to fighting for victory.

MAKE A LIST OF NEVERS

Never in public - Causes embarrassment and can’t come to resolve.
Never involve kids (in front of or using them) - Damages them. Not hiding, respecting.
Never speak harshly - Don’t yell, speak angry. Not what you say but how
Never name call - Demeaning…makes it personal. Attacking the wrong thing.
Never shut down - Can be triggered by yelling or harsh words.
Never physical - Hands are to love not to hurt.
Never historical - Historical leads to hysterical - Bringing up years ago.
Never say never…Or always - Don’t speak in absolutes.
Never in bed - Tired, emotional. Drags out. Make bed a place of intimacy not conflict
Never threaten divorce - “the D word” - Creates instability, not an option.

2. Choose to focus on the good, not the bad

No one can meet 100% of your expectations. Don’t see the 20 in someone else and walk away from something great hoping that 20 in someone else makes up for the 80 you have.

Jimmy Evans when you let the sun go down on anger you let the devil counsel you

Choose to listen
James 1:19 - Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;
- Listen with your face - Listen with good body language

Choose to understand
Seek to understand not be understood - Learn to say “Help me understand”

Choose to be patient
I want to move on and be done with it. - Circling back makes me crazy
- Men are like waffles, but women are like spaghetti.

Choose to validate
Feelings are real. Whether right or not. They are real and can be validated.

Choose to forgive
Forgiving releases your spouse of a debt…it says “you don’t owe me anything”
- A good marriage is the union of two good forgivers. – Ruth Bell Graham

The best relationships aren’t without conflict, they are committed to work through conflict.

It’s not always easy, but it’s always worth it.